Elephant Plasma and other Interesting Things

Cloning; The most awesome (or boring) thing ever

2010-06-18T16:37:00.003-04:00

We’ve all thought about it. How awesome would it be to have an exact replica of yourself? A clone, with every bit of knowledge you have. A doppelganger to keep you company, one that shares the same views about everything. Would you get along just fine with your clone? Would you try to drink your clone under the table? Would you play horrid jokes on your friend’s minds? Would you skip work, only to actually be at work, without actually being at work? I know I would! How cool would that be?!

Twice the anime power, with one badge!

As it turns out, it would be really fucking boring. I went to some lab in the Swiss Alps (don’t ask which one, I’m not even sure myself) and spoke with a few scientists and test subjects. I asked a few questions, got more answers than I could even imagine. For the most part the people I spoke to on the test subject end were extremely bitter, and pretty pissed at themselves for being themselves. The scientists seemed to be extremely partial, as they are scientists and were doing the experiments to study the effects of cloning on people. It seems the only effects clones would have on people, is that they piss them off. Seriously.

Annoying.

I asked some questions and I got some pretty surprising answers. The subjects I spoke with told me pretty much the same thing. It was fun at first, really fun. They’d play chess against each other and no one would ever win. They’d jump out from behind a curtain or something when the scientists were doing tests. Walk to the bathroom and then come out from behind a corner. Finish each other’s sentences. Have in depth conversations about everything. And it seems that all got really boring. How much could you surprise yourself? How many books could you talk about if you’ve read them all twice? Part of a good conversation is the debate. Without the debate, you basically are agreeing with the person you’re talking to over and over again. One set of people I spoke with, Adam and Adam, told me about the time they tried to out drink each other. It turns out your clone can drink as much as you can, also, clones of you can fight just the same. So I’m assuming they found all this out the hard way.

The hard way.

Another set of twins I interviewed said it was “Great at first, I could alternate days at work and no one would notice. I could confuse people at stores, by walking into a dressing room and walking up behind them asking to try on the same outfit. Then there was that one time I was at a bar and got completely wasted until they kicked me out, then my clone walked in stone sober and got completely trashed and got kicked out. We played that game for about a week at the same bar, it was awesome.” So I asked about the downsides of it… “Yeah, he always finished my [sentences]” As his clone finished the sentence. “My clone stole my girlfriend. Got her pregnant, and named the baby.” At that point I couldn't help but to rummage around in my back for a shotgun, which I completely forgot to pack. “He also got me fired from work, because he thought it would be a great idea to have ‘pants-less Tuesday’, which needless to say, didn’t go over well with my boss.”

I went and had a conversation with the scientists. They seemed pleased with the overall results, except they got utterly annoyed with it too.” How could you not?” said the lead researcher, “They just play pranks on us all the time. I’m just glad we have the incinera… the patience to deal with them.” The scientists then went on to ask me if I would like to participate. I thought about it for about 17 seconds and decided it would be better not to try it. Then they tried to convince me, coax me into the project with promises of fun and exciting new opportunities. I couldn’t help but look over my notes, thinking if I had spoken to them first, I might have been in the same boat as their subjects. I once again rustled around in my bag for the shotgun, which I’m sure I brought with me. “It must have been one of those damn clones.” I thought to myself. Just before I heard loud bangs come from down the hallway. At that point I changed my plane ticket to the next day. Went to a bar, and tried to forget about everything I had learned. Just then two clones, or twins, I have no idea anymore… Walked into the bar, sat down and started drinking. I screamed and ran. I completely forgot to pay my bill, and now I am no longer allowed into Switzerland.

I'm not missing that much though.

Shit.Nevermind.

-Ari Racz

Oops! 4 tactics from zombie movies that fail miserably

2010-06-12T14:36:00.007-04:00

At one point in every horror movie throughout the existence of film there is always at least one death that warrants a face palm. Everyone who has ever watched a horror flick has said to themselves at one point or another , “Why the hell would they do that?”, and you’re right. It was an idiotic move. We have all also realized that the horrible decisions people make don’t always get themselves killed, rather some other undeserving member of the party.

I know that there are many different genres of horror flicks, from psychological to all out gore. So I’m going to go ahead and focus on zombie movies, only because there are just so many of them. There are many reasons that people die in zombie films, mostly zombies, there are a few others as well. Like advancing the plot…

1. The Escape!

So you have a plan. You think you’ve covered all angles. But have you, really? Sure, you have the escape route, you have the vehicles tricked out into road fortresses. Did you really think it all the way through? You have holes for guns, check. Full propane tanks on board just in case you’re in a jam, check. Please note: Propane is highly explosive. You may not have had much of a choice bringing everything you did, just try to look at what could possible go wrong.

Oops…

That whole “slot for chainsaws at knee level” thing, not the best idea. Of course it looks good on paper and works well for the most part. But what happens when you only have four feet to move around in with a running chainsaw? Remember there are thousands of abandoned vehicles strewn about in a horrible game of park the car. More importantly, what would happen if say, you got into an accident with a running chainsaw with only four feet to move and a bunch of people right next to you? This:

"Oops. I’ll take the bus next time, thanks."

How could you do it better?

Well, if you’re going to use a chainsaw in a tight space, make sure it is safer than it is. Try building a little cage for the chainsaw so it stays in place. That way, you know what doesn’t happen. Or just don’t use a chainsaw?

2. Studying the zombie

How could this possibly be a bad idea? You’re being a researcher! Learning the strengths and weaknesses of your enemy. An enemy that wants nothing more than to eat you. They can’t feel pain like we do, they don’t take strategic action, they don’t even really think things through. How could it ever outsmart you? That is their biggest strength. They don’t have to think things through. All they have to do is get to you.

Oops…

Sure, you want to know what makes the zombies tick, how long it takes them to die or whatever. Keeping a zombie around is just asking for trouble. Once again, it looks good on the books. Maybe you’ll learn a thing or two about them. In reality, you’re just keeping a pet, an extremely violent ugly pet. It’s more like the neighbor’s beagle that hates you for pissing on the fence that one time. What happens when the little chain breaks? After all they don’t feel the pain of straining muscles like a regular person. Here’s a bit of an example.

Oh, what a douche. Do not train zombies how to operate anything, ever.

How could you do it better?

Isn’t it obvious? Kill all the zombies. Every one of them.

3. Hiding in that old house

I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, let’s go hide in that house over there!” Sounds like a great plan, everyone needs a place to hide form flesh hungry zombies! Make sure you board up the windows and doors. Turn off the lights, or leave them on, I’m not sure if it even matters. Get to know the house, make an escape plan if you need to. Raid the house for guns and weapons, food and water, porn. Check to see if the phone works. Hey, it looks like you’re well on the way to getting out of a jam!

Oops…

Yeah, that great plan isn’t looking so good when you have thousands of zombies trick-or-treating on your doorstep. They aren’t taking no for an answer, and they aren’t going to egg your house. They are going eat your face. Sure you boarded up the windows and doors… From the inside. If there is one thing I know, it is how to break down a door from the outside. So do zombies! It would have been a better idea to put the barricades on the outside of the doors and windows, that way the zombies have to push against the boarding pushing against the house. If you push hard enough on a nail it’ll just pop out!

“Crap, they figured out how to push.”

How could you do it better?

I don’t know, but it sure as hell wouldn’t be that.

4. Checking to see if the zombie is dead

It makes sense, make sure you actually killed him. So sneak up real slow, maybe kick him once or twice. Awesome, he isn’t moving after repeated blows to the head from your trusty crowbar! Good work, guy! We agree, it is a smart move to make sure you actually killed it. It is the safe way to go, just so you don’t get surprised later on! Congrats!

Oops…

Wait, you just beat his head in a little bit with a crowbar. That would definitely put anyone down for a long time. If they were human. If you have ever watched a zombie movie you know you have to utterly destroy the brain. Simply cracking the skull a few times doesn’t really do the trick. Maybe I should be saying congratulations, because you just figured out how to knock a zombie out. Why did you even stop hitting him in the head? Why does he even have a head left? Shouldn’t it be a puddle of goo by now?

"Great, we just brought her back to life."

How could you do it better?

Make sure the zombie is dead. By “make sure” I mean “make sure there isn’t a distinguishable part of a skull within 5 feet of it.”

-Ari Racz

(Thanks Jessee)

Why I Would Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

2010-06-07T01:01:00.002-04:00

First of all, fuck you. That’s right. If you were stranded somewhere, and got a hold of a radio… I don’t care. I’m not coming to get you. I’m going to sit my ass in my nicely fortified home, with my crowbar and bat. I would just stay in my house being comfortable with my family. I won’t even go outside if there weren’t any more zombies.

Oh snap.

When you watch a zombie movie, the first mistake anyone ever makes is going to get someone that asked for help. The moment you step outside of that nice little comfort zone you’ve set up, whether it be a mall or a house, you’re in for a world of trouble. I’ll keep as much between me and those zombies as I can. Even if that means you are between me and those zombies. I’ve got everything I already need in my shelter; you can come to me if you want my help.

Then there is the supplies, you obviously don’t have any if you’re asking for my help. I know how to get more supplies, you don’t. I’m not going to risk my life twice as much just to help out someone that can’t help themselves. If you want a can of soup, come get it or go find it. On second thought, fuck you. My soup. You might not have any medical supplies, well tough luck. They stopped producing those when most of the population of the world turned into brain crazy freaks. These supplies I have are all I have, and all I’m going to have. Unless by some miracle you know how to produce mass quantities of aspirin using only baking soda and spit, then by all means, please come in. Otherwise, keep walking, or stumbling… whatever.

Government stumblers.

I have all the weapons I need. I might not own a gun, but I don’t need one. I have a crowbar, a steel pipe, and guts made from concrete. I will beat the bastards. A couple good whacks is all it takes to get your point across. So unless you’re a ninja, or have a gun, or can shoot lasers out of some region of your face I don’t want your assistance. (Then again, if you can do something completely awesome that may entertain us for the rest of the horrid experience; we may have a place for you.) Now that I’ve told you what weapons I have, tell me what weapons you have! A simple kitchen knife? No thanks. A windshield wiper? Hell no. A 12 gauge pump-action Remington shotgun? Get your ass in here already!

Now, part of the reason I don’t want you coming in here is because you can’t. And by can’t I don’t mean “I just won’t allow it”, I mean you literally do not have the ability to get inside my little shelter. Unless of course, I’m the one to let you in. You see, I have barricaded myself in my home. Nothing is getting in through a window, a door, or even a vent. It took me a long time to do all that. It sucked. It took all day nailing this, wedging that, dragging whatever to wherever. If I let you in that would ruin everything I spent days doing. I don’t want to have to do that again, unless of course you have some kick-ass barricading abilities that would serve to outdo even my badassery. I doubt you do. Do you even own a hammer? Do you have any friggin nails? Do you even know what a screwdriver is? What the hell is wrong with you? There’s tons of fucking zombies out there.

Tons.

Then again, I might want to come into your house. If by some ridiculous twist of fate on the part of the zombies occurs, then I might have to leave. I do have an escape plan, you don’t know that, well you didn’t. So stop reading or something. I know my way to where I’m going to go. No, I’m not going to go to a hospital, or a prison, or a police station, or even a school. Those are the first places people are going to go, instead go somewhere no one would think of going. Go to a nice big warehouse, with heavy doors and no amenities to speak of. No toilet or running water, you can piss in a bucket and gather rainwater. Just make sure you fortify. You always have to fortify. You also always need an escape plan, just in case your awesome fortifying skills aren’t as awesome as you thought they were. (Which mine are)

I totally do not want these people in my house.

So let’s recap. Number one; Fuck you. Number two; Fuck you a bit more. You know what, just fuck you, so stop asking for help and become a zombie already; it is most likely less painful than sucking that damn much.

-Ari Racz (Not a zombie)

The Gulf Oil Spill; Ideas of madmen!

2010-05-20T18:19:00.005-04:00

There's your problem right there.

At this point, we all know about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Experts have declared it the worst natural disaster since the Exxon oil spill in Alaska that happened in 1989. So far, 6 million gallons of crude oil have poured into the deep waters of the Gulf. Now, with all that money the experts are tossing around you would think someone could come up with something that would stop it. Nope, not one solution has worked. They are not going to stop there; there have been literally thousands of suggestions. By thousands, I mean a shitload.

Here are a few suggestions people have given BP in order to stay the flow of oil. Some of them are actually decent, while others are just plain batshit insane.

“Hey, let’s shove a big ass cork in it and call it a day!”

Where as it is a novel idea… It does not make much sense. What happens when you put a cork in a bottle of Pepsi? Is it just going to sit there, happy go lucky? Hell no, that thing will wait five minutes and take out a toddler’s eye. Who came up with that idea anyways? Some wino living in San Francisco? The scary part is that BP is actually considering it, seriously.

Problem solved.

“Let’s just freeze it, like in that Terminator movie where they froze the bad guy!”

Fuck, seriously? How hard do you think it would be to freeze something underwater? Sure, it’s about five thousand feet underwater, but come on. On company with a product called “Clean Kool” has suggested using the product to freeze the crude oil and then just pick it up later. I might be wrong, but “Clean Kool” sounds like some sort of tobacco product. So maybe BT is teaming up with BP to poison the world one last massive time!

Let's just call it a day.

“Let’s come up with something called a junk shot!”

“Johnson, that’s genius! Just let me sink this put into my recycled tire putting system.”

Junk-Shot, the act of filling the broken pipeline with shredded tires and golf balls. Don’t get me wrong, it seems like a viable means of plugging crap up. Haven’t environmentalists been complaining for years on end about tires ending up in our oceans? Golf balls too. I mean seriously, who is deciding what we should do with this oil spill. If it were up to me, well it’s not so I’ll just shut up now.

Perfect.

“Why don’t we just throw something on top of it, and then fill that up with something to keep it from making gas!”

That is right. They actually built a 100-ton “dome” to catch everything coming out of the well. I’m not a physics expert or anything, but it seems that all that oil has to go somewhere, and with all the water in there too that might pose a problem. By the way, that dome failed already. So they are going to try a smaller dome and pump ethanol into it. You know, rubbing alcohol. The toxic, flammable, and dangerous chemical? That’s the spirit BP, fill something with something that makes the something that it is full of twice as dangerous. Fucking brilliant!

That will do the trick.

“At least it is all better than what the Russians told us to do…”

Seriously, I’m not kidding. The Russian government actually told us to “detonate an underwater nuclear warhead directly above the well.” The fuck? Are they just messing with us? Do they just want to have some ammunition (no pun intended) when we actually resort to it? Apparently, not, they have used it on many occasions. So I guess it was just an idea fueled by vodka and rage. Sometimes those ideas work, and sometimes they work the best. Then again, all you have to do is take a look at every monster movie ever to realize it is a horrible idea. Hey, I wouldn’t mind seeing some giant crabs attacking the Gulf Coast oil platforms… Wait, never mind.

Whoa, just... No.

The bottom line is we need to stop that oil leak. Everything will die! There have been 6 million gallons spewed out of it already. It isn’t slowing down. At 200,000 gallons daily, that is a whole lot of oil. I don’t know about you, but I fucking love seafood. So BP, please get your head out of your ass and get to fucking work. Do your damn job. Seriously. We might as well just throw ninjas at it.

-Ari Racz

A memo I ran across the other day

2010-04-20T00:50:00.003-04:00

Just click the images for the full size. Trust me, it's worth it.

The Worst day ever

2010-04-17T14:28:00.005-04:00

Imagine for a moment, the worst day you’ve ever had. So the power goes out in the middle of the night, and of course you had no idea you were supposed to put a backup battery into your alarm clock for just that. You end up being two hours late for work. You lost the big Henderson account, so you knock off a bit early to relax only to find out your tire is flat. Of course you don’t have a spare in the trunk. You forgot your cell phone at your desk and the cleaning crew stole it, sucks so far. Then it gets worse. Your wife, not being able to get hold of you, and when the cleaning lady answers the phone she thinks you’re cheating on her. So she leaves you. Man, that day really sucked.

Worst day ever, right?

Wrong.

Now imagine that entire day consisting of completely different “worst” scenarios. The Mayans predicted the end of days to occur on December 21^st 2012. No one is really sure what is going to happen on that day. The only thing they are certain of is “It’s really going to suck.” Remember 1999 when some crazy people thought the World was going to hit a standstill because of some tiny little glitch in banking and commercial software that was just a cut corner? Yeah, the whole “Let’s save some money by only putting in two digits for the date instead of four like we should have.” We all know nothing happened, nothing at all. Well, nothing besides billions of people, drunkenly yelling numbers at the top of their lungs. Aside from that, not a damn thing happened. There have been many different theories on the end of the world. Everyone since Nostradamus has said it at one point or another. It all builds up some pretty heavy speculation. Imagine if the worst day ever happened to everyone, and the events in that day were every disaster scenario that has ever been predicted. Every disaster movie, The Day After Tomorrow, Armageddon, Deep Impact… Aliens? How bad would that be?

Journalism has taken a big hit since the zombie apacolypse

This bad.

Among the theories out there, the most plausible would most likely have to be WWIII. Yes, there are tons of nuclear stockpiles left over from the cold war. Yes, people are assholes and like to shoot other people who they think are assholes. Yes, Dilbert is a retarded comic strip. OK, so that last one was just for me, just pay attention. The basic theory of WWIII is that one person will shoot a nuke at someone, that person will shoot a nuke back, then everyone and their grandma will start poppin caps at bitches and smackin’ ho’s all over the place. We wouldn’t be able to literally destroy the world, but the nuclear fallout in the following months would definitely kill everything. Then it would end up being like Twelve Monkeys, with a tiny fraction of humans left living like slaves and going back in time, kinda like Link in The Legend of Zelda, only without the badassery.

Wow, Navi isn't as nice as I remember.

Another very likely scenario is a meteor impact. Yes it will happen. That’s a guarantee. There are over 5,000 known “near Earth orbit” objects just waiting to punch us dead in the crotch. The dinosaurs were killed off partly due to one. Hell, a meteor made the friggin Gulf of Mexico. So it is pretty much a certainty that we’re going to take one for the team sometime. The only question is when. No, we can’t go the “Armageddon” route and land on the thing, plant a few nukes, and then revel in the amazing glory of the ballsiest men on the planet. (Besides Ben Afflack, fuck that guy) We would have to know about it at least ten years before it hits us. Ten whole fucking years. We would then be able to send a space craft up to the thing, either park on it, or right next to it and then gently nudge it out of orbit. So no “Last minute” macho man in a spacesuit saves the planet crap. If we noticed one tomorrow that was going to hit us in a week, you might as well party like its 1999… Again.

You may or may not have heard of the “Doomsday-Argument”. Brandon Carter put it forth in 1983; he said our rate of human births is what will be our downfall. That we are among the first 95% of humans to be born. That’s a pretty ballsy claim. It would be like “Children of Men”, only exactly the same. Imagine that, no one being able to have any kids, ever again. I’m sure all you people out there that hate children would be very pleased, but you have to figure everyone would be old, and that would just plain suck. Carter used some mathematics and logic to figure out that the entire human population would be born in about 9120 years from when he made the claim. That the human population will top off at about 1.2 trillion people, 60 billion of which have been born thus far. I call bullshit. Lots and lots of bullshit. How the hell are we not going to keep having kids, seriously, people like to fuck. We all know where babies come from. (And if you don’t, I might just have to show you in the most appropriate way I can think of.)

Then, of course you have the basics. Zombies, 2012, plague, Alien invasion. You can pick or choose whichever you want, there is one thing that is definitely certain. The world will eventually end. Whether it be by the expansion of the sun, another planet getting knocked out of orbit and smacking square into South Africa or whatever.

Well that just sucks.

Ok, so back to the whole personal worst day scenario. (Warning: Minor edits follow)

Damnit.

“Imagine for a moment, the worst day you’ve ever had. So the power goes out in the middle of the night, due to a nuclear warhead hitting the Hoover dam, and of course you had no idea you were supposed to put a backup battery into your alarm clock for just that. You end up being two hours late for work, which you find has been overrun by a horde of bloodthirsty zombies. You lost the big Henderson account, only because of a meteor hitting the satellite office in Philadelphia, instantly killing the prospective client. So you knock off a bit early to try and relax, only to find out your entire car has been stolen by a group of alien teenagers from some planet no one has ever heard of. Of course you forgot your cell phone at your desk, which the zombies are now using as a chew toy, sucks so far right? Then it gets worse. Your wife, not being able to get a hold of you, tries to call you repeatedly only to have the zombies answer the phone. She thinks you’re cheating on her due to the mumbling and moaning on the other end of the line. So she leaves you. Man, that day really sucked. But don’t worry, because there is a giant meteor about to hit the earth somewhere near the equator. “

Well there goes my weekend.

-Ari Racz

Man is attacked by a bear, and wolves.

2010-02-23T17:22:00.001-05:00

Wolf attacks don't happen very often, in fact, in the last 50 years only 17 fatalities have been reported worldwide, when they do it is usually a wolf that has seen one too many people. Bear attacks don't happen very often, either, you‘re 12 times more likely to die from a bee sting. This is the story of one unfortunate man, who had to face both at once. However unlikely the odds are, the truth about it is much more unusual.

It was early in the evening one late winter day. Darnell Watson was hiking along some previously unexplored trails in near the Methow River in northern Washington. All of a sudden he was surprised by a bear as he rested on a log eating some beef jerky. During this encounter, he just stopped and stared at the monstrous grizzly bear. The bear gazed straight back at him, seemingly eyeing his soul. As the man started to slowly back away, he heard a low growl coming from behind him, and then a second. He thought he was trapped in the middle of a family of bears, right in between a mother and her cubs. His horrible situation may have just gotten worse.

As he slowly turned around, he noticed three wolves on an embankment a few feet in front of him. He swallowed hard, turned to the bear and gazed right into it's eyes with a solid resolve saved only for the most hardened men, and Janet Reno. The first thing that went through his head, was which one would be faster, which one would end his suffering first. Then he thought, "No." He stared the bear square in the eyes, as fiercely as possible. That's when he noticed the bear, looking just as fiercely at him, almost gazing straight through him. That's when he knew, it was him and the bear, in it for the long haul.

He turned his back to the bear and slowly began to back towards it. Standing side by side, they prepared for the most difficult fight of their lives. By this time, five more wolves appeared through the brush. Darnell swallowed hard, trying to process what was undoubtedly about to happen. He and the bear gave each other a knowing look. The bear lunged and swung one of its massive paws, taking out the three wolves on the embankment. Another wolf clamped onto the bear's shoulder and help on tight. That's when Darnell made a leaping roll, picking up a large hefty log, and smashed the attacking wolf in the head. The wolf fell with a whimper, and he continued to pound at the wolf's skull with all the rage he has ever known. The bear went after another wolf, taking it into his strong jaws and instantly snapping it's spine.

Darnell swung the log wildly, hitting two of the remaining wolves, keeping them at bay. The bear tore into one of the wolves, ripping it apart almost instantly. That is when one of the remaining wolves let out a howl that would strike fear into any man. And pounced towards the Darnell, gripping tight onto his left arm. As the man struggled with the wolf, he could feel his shoulder separating, further and further. Finally, the wolf took his arm clean off. Stunned, and still in shock, the man grabbed his own arm from the wolf. The wolf was confused, almost in awe over this feat of strength. The man started thrashing at the wolf, wildly and without regard. He pummeled the wolf with his own severed arm. The remaining wolf fled, the bear followed, although not before looking back at the man with one final glance of appreciation, and understanding.

The man amazingly survived, walking 8 miles to the ranger station he had passed hours before. He held his arm under his remaining appendage, soaked in the blood of bear, wolf, and man. They were able to reattach his severed limb, and he has since regained full functionality of it. The rangers called him lucky. He only said he was lucky the bear was there. If it wouldn’t have been for his partner, he would surely have been taken by the wolves.

To this day Darnell still hikes along the forgotten trails and streams of northern Washington. The only thing that has changed is he now carries a full-auto AR-15, everywhere.

-Ari Racz

New medical phenomenon reported

2010-02-20T20:55:00.001-05:00

Tuesday February 4th, 2010

In a small town on the outskirts of Gretna, Virginia doctors are at a loss for words. A new post-modem condition has been named. No, it isn't zombies, although that would be awesome. A man, who has declined to be named, was pronounced dead on arrival at the Gretna Medical Center. His original diagnosis was a sudden and massive coronary heart attack. Doctors further explained the heart attack may have been brought on due to his two and a half pack a day cigarette habit.

This death was nothing out of the ordinary, unexpected, but on par with the average heart attack. The medical phenomenon took place approximately 28 minutes after he was pronounced dead. A nurse came in to begin preparation for transport of the body to the morgue. It was at this time witnesses stated they saw the nurse run out of the room in a panic.

Doctors entered the room immediately after. Finding the patient halfway inside of a hospital body bag in preparation for transport. Puzzled, the doctors questioned the nurse, she told them the patient sat up and asked for a cigarette. At that point she fled the room. The doctors returned and checked the patients vital signs, which were stable and nearly perfect. The patient promptly sat up and once again asked for a cigarette. The bewildered doctors had to act quickly to come to a unanimous conclusion. This conclusion has lead to one of the most profound physiological conditions to ever arise form the world of substance addiction.

"Reincarnative Addiction Reactivity". Yes, it sounds absurd. As close as the team of experts that have been constantly reviewing the case can tell, it has to do with the addiction center of the brain. The neurotransmitters that have been identified as the addiction center of the brain, had concentrated and amplified what little energy was left in the patient's brain. The remaining brainwaves, which can be detected more than three months after death, have "jump-started" the basic motor functions of the body. Restarting the heart, and breathing actions, essentially bringing the man back from beyond death.

The patient is fine today, the team of specialists are currently subjecting the man to a battery of tests. As of yet the findings have been inconclusive, the team will publish their research in every major scientific journal upon completion of the study. The man is still a heavy smoker, ironically, he contributes his entire new life to his addiction to nicotine. He even credits his life to the Marlboro company. The entire tobacco industry has inquired in regard with making a documentary based on the man's life, and death, and life again. They are still awaiting a response form the man's attorney. I expect the tobacco industry to attempt to use this man's re-life as a way to advocate smoking. We shall see what comes of it.

So kids, remember not to smoke. Unless you want to miraculously come back to life, kinda like Jesus, just without all the crucifixion nonsense.

-Ari Racz

Pass the salt, please!

2010-02-17T16:40:00.001-05:00

For centuries salt has been really important. Yes, it makes food taste good. It makes roads safer to drive on during the winter months. It even can make energy! I’m sure you are wondering why I am writing about salt. Doesn’t really seem that important, does it? Well, I’ll lay out a few facts for you. There are over 14,000 uses for salt. Everything from making windows and plastics, to sensitive experiments involving physics and astrophysics. That’s right, even space thinks salt is important, just ask the astronauts who would die if there wasn’t any salt for their space suits!

There is salt somewhere in there.

First of all, I’ll get to the history of salt. It goes way back. And by “way back” I mean over 4 thousand years ago, and it’s been recorded much further back than that. The Great Wall of China was literally funded by salt! The Emperor of China (Still the leading country in salt production) actually made enough money from trading salt to Europeans to keep the Mongols out of his back yard. Without salt, China would be riding horses and shooting arrows at everything and anything in sight. The Chinese aren’t the only ones that built stuff because of salt. The Eerie Canal, one of the most important trading routes in North America was built partially because of salt!

"Salt?! Are you kidding me... SALT?!"

It doesn’t stop at building stuff either. Roman soldiers were given a salary of salt, they called it "salarium argentums”, which has become the word Salary.

A whole month's worth of war.

We all know that one! During the 13th-16th centuries, salt was of major importance in West Africa. So important, it was actually traded ounce-for-ounce for gold. That’s right, the Saharan salt trade caravans are still cameling around Africa, but they don’t trade it for gold anymore, probly just children…

One child for every block of salt.

Ghandi even marched to the sea at one point, he wanted to make salt tax free from the British Empire. Oh that Ghandi.

All he is eating, is salt.

Today China is the leader in salt production of the world. That and cheap toys painted with lead… They produced over 59 million metric tons of salt in 2007... Million metric tons. That is a whole shitload of salt. There are many different ways to produce salt. Ranging from mining salt using blasting and pulling it out of the ground, to chemically treating brine, a liquid comprised of water and salt. Evaporating sea water is an up and coming way to produce it, although the energy required could top over 10 million dollars per facility… One way to combat that, would be using molten salt to produce energy… That’s right, they can actually use salt to make energy. And it won’t run out like oil. Suck on that you oil execs!

"You're trying to tell me, salt is more important than us?"

Salt can be pretty pricey. There is one type of salt, called Viking Salt, that sells for over 150 dollars… per pound.

"They did what for salt? Blew up a subway?!"

There are over 40 different types of salt, each with it’s own distinctive flavor, texture, and use. Some of it is even used in explosives. Imagine if we were still to consider salt in such a high regard? It is probably the most important mineral ever discovered, and the most abundant. It’s a reusable natural resource, that’s right, you can reuse it with certain applications. Next time you’re reaching for the salt, don’t forget how important it really is. There are over 14,000 uses for salt. Basically everything in your house has had salt involved with it at one point or another.

Imagine that.

-Ari Racz

Anti-Gravity event reported

2010-02-13T16:32:00.004-05:00

Friday, February 12th.

An unexplained geological event has rocked the small, isolated region of New Jersey. Scientists are still baffled as to what could cause the phenomenon. Eyewitnesses from the site said, "It seemed like the ground just threw them up!". Some physicists have stated it could only have been an anti-gravity field. Others have dismissed these claims as "Hogwash", and "Poppycock". The residents within the effected area noticed plates lifting off tables, lamps turning on their side, among many other strange occurrences. During the event, a local store owner witnessed the snow fall literally reverse, and begin to rise up from the streets. One policeman found a discarded Pepsi can on the side of the road, it has yet to be determined as a cause of the incident.

Many theories have been purported, although no exact cause has been established. The leading theory is that an unknown scientist has created and tested an anti-gravity weapon. Although, the claim is unsupported as of this time. More information will be released upon further investigation. The second leading theory is one of magnetic disturbances in the Earth’s magnetosphere. Once again, an unsupported, yet valid claim. A more interesting, yet highly disregarded theory, is the phenomenon is that it was caused by the Russians. This theory has been put forth by a cold war operative, it has not been given high credibility.

Particle Physicist Edward Riley, of Cornell University, spoke at the new conference from the Mayor’s office in Jersey City. He stated “There is no reason to alarm, or to panic the public. We believe this was an isolated incident, with no further repercussions.” He said while gingerly floating about three feet from the podium, and gripping tightly to his toupee. He went on to say “Further ‘aftershocks’ were not to be expected.” He gave no solid information leading to a conclusion to the event, as none have yet been found.

The national weather service offered a simple statement by request of the Governor. “We have no *#^@*ing clue.” To which the National Geological Society added, “Yeah, we’re pretty much shooting blanks in the dark at this one, too.”

Will there ever be a reasonable explanation to these events? After further review of the facts and statements from the scene, I have come up with a simple answer to this question. “No.” So stop worrying about it, and if it does happen again, enjoy it, but try to stay grounded or else you’ll end up with your head in the clouds.

-Ari Racz

Unicorns: Narwhals landlocked cousin!

2010-01-25T20:31:00.001-05:00

Unicorns aren’t just magical creatures that fart rainbows and puke up bunnies. No, they are a mystical animal rooted deeply in mythology of almost every culture. Besides America, who thinks they can walk on clouds and make peoples teeth fall out from smiling so much! The real story is much more interesting, in fact, it’s down right magical!

Also, unicorns are Jesus.

The first appearance of a Unicorn, was in medieval times. There are references to them in everything from the bible to my little pony. They must be real if the bible says so! In the Bible they represented strength and dignity. Usually as a one horned animal… So the translation because Unicorn… Somehow. They are typically represented by a bull, or another horned animal depicted standing in such a way where you can only see one of the horns. There are no references to unicorns in Greek mythology… They are in natural history… that’s right, the Greeks thought they actually existed. Oh, they found them in India, because why the hell not, right?

Yeah, she's a virgin.

For centuries cultures have been mistaking animals for Unicorns. That’s right, people actually thought there were like a million different kinds of them. Like the Rhinos in Africa, Narwhals in the water, single-horned goats, and pretty much anything else that was hanging around the opium den.

Unicorns were thought to have the power to neutralize poisons… So people would spend ridiculous amounts of money on goblets made out of “Unicorn Horns”. Sort of like an infomercial nowadays. Another handy thing the Unicorns could do in the dark ages, was to be able to tell if a woman was a virgin or not. It has been said that only virgins can ride them… Sort of suggestive don’t you think?

People used to hunt Unicorns. Seriously, hunt Unicorns. It was a pretty tricky hunt too, you couldn’t just go and blow a hole the size of a basketball in them. You had to lure them in, with a virgin. Once again, suggestions much? Man, those ol school people were really, really against women! Now before you go all PETA on my ass, remember, these are only based on mythology… And a lot of drugs.

Unicorns are tough bastards.

There have been bones found that seem to be something like a Unicorn.. Or maybe it was just a prehistoric Rhino? Who the hell knows, certainly not anyone that has any kind of nonsense beliefs… Like Unicorns. Besides, it was proven that if Unicorns had cloven hooves (as they were said to have) then they must have had cloven skulls. Whatever the fuck that means. And something with a cloven skull can’t grow a single horn. Well that makes perfect sense. PERFECT SENSE.

So next time you want to go find a Unicorn, go to India, find a virgin…. And then pray. Because face it, you aren’t going to have much luck unless you have radical ideas about the way the world works. Oh, and better wear some protective gear. Those horns are really fucking stabby.

Awwww, isn't it just sooo, OW MY EYE!

Scrappy is the spawn of satan (Actually his dog)

2010-01-20T21:43:00.001-05:00

Sure, we all hate the little prick. Some of us might even want to assault him. (Add cook and eat if you live in Taiwan) But the thing is, most of us don’t know why we hate him. That’s where I step in.

Being an openly avid Scooby fan, having seen every single episode of the original run, I feel I am most qualified to lay the truth on you. Scrappy-Doo is the son of Satan’s dog. Are you really surprised? He tries to fight everything. The pup opened Pandora’s box for fuck’s sake! He literally unleashed every demon and evil spirit contained in the most evil thing ever created. Just to put it into perspective, Scooby and Shaggy always ran away from anything, even grasshoppers. Scrappy, on the other hand, would run headlong into any situation.

Something like that.

Literally, any situation. House on fire, full of zombies on fire, with mutated leeches, and Leatherface? Scrappy is there knocking on the front door.

Don't worry, Scrappy's in there.

Yes, he was even more annoying than Scooby-Dum (Who was clearly retarded).

Clearly.

First of all, no one likes Scrappy. Look at the movie they made, he was the villain.He transformed into a hulkish monster from hell.

More like scrappy douche.

If anyone knows the story behind Pandora’s box, which I’m sure you have some idea about the myth. Scrappy was not the one who originally opened the thing, it was Pandora. The box contained all the evils, ills, diseases, and burdens that have plagued mankind from that point on. So you see how stupid Scrappy really is, seriously, he’s a few notches below Scooby-Dum.

Because he opened the box, they had to team up with Vincent Price... That's right, Vincent Price was the only man on the planet willing to help poor Scooby out.

I still can't decide if he's creepier as a cartoon.

So you can plainly see the separation between the two. I honestly believe Scooby-Dum wouldn’t even bother to open the box, but play with a bunch of the other cooler, less evil crap laying around the place.

Like books, which he couldn't read.

At least Scooby-Dum didn’t try to get anyone into trouble. He just ended up doing it on accident, but it seemed to work out well. Scrappy on the other hand, did it all on purpose. Like he wanted to collect on Scooby’s vast fortune of Scooby Snacks.

Is it worth murder? Scrappy thinks so.

So next time you run into Scrappy. Give him the cold shoulder. Or better yet, a kick to the solar plexus. That'll show him what "puppy power" really is!

-Ari Racz

What if Dinosaurs never went extinct?

2010-01-19T14:00:00.002-05:00

Think about it. We would be the Flintstones! I’m sure we wouldn’t have dinosaurs vacuum our rugs, or wash the dishes… What would we do with them? Would they be gigantic? Or would they have shrunk to proportionate size like cats and dogs, alligators, birds, lizards…. Instead of dogs, would we have pet brontosaurs?

Just for arguments sake, I’m going to go ahead and tell you that the dinosaurs never went extinct, never ate every human in sight, and are still awesomely huge. Well, the awesomely huge ones anyhow!

Here’s a few images that I managed to snag from an alternate dimension. Yes, I can do that. Don’t believe me? Look at the pictures, damn.

"Mommy, where do babies come from?"

I’m sure we would be using velociraptors as police dogs.

"Easy Bruno, we'll get that underage smoker!"

What about bull fights? Yeah, without bulls it would be a bit different!

"You've got him right where he wants you!"

What about ancient history? Do you think they would lead a charge of trained T-rexes? What about ancient Rome? Those gladiators would be in for it!

"I didn't sign up for that!"

Would we have had cattle and a Stegasaurus ranch? Branding would be a little tricky!

"Um, Jeb? I'm having second thoughts about the last one there."

All in all, the world would definitely be a very, very interesting place. (Albeit more dangerous!) Never again will you have to worry about squirrels! Just those pesky tiny dinosaurs that ate the guy in one of those Jurassic Park movies, I forget which one, but that's not important!

-Ari Racz

The most useless USB devices created in the history of the universe, ever

2009-12-26T19:15:00.001-05:00

If there is one thing I know, it is that there is no other reason to have a computer besides porn, and reading my blog. So it is no stretch of the imagination that people would inexplicably combine their "hardware" for a more interesting "software" experience. The age of computers has brought the likes of absurdity into the limelight. We've all seen strange computer attachments, like a coffee mug warmer, which actually comes in handy when you have coffee, but the "Humping Dog" usb drive that literally sold-out on Thinkgeek.com is just mind boggling.

Here's a look at some other peripherals, that would completely blind-side the unseasoned “pornnet” (that’s the new name for the interwebs) user.

The "22-7"

It is a 22 inch monitor. No big deal, right? When you need a "little bit of extra" workspace, that's when you attach a 7" monitor to it. Some people think it's a great idea, exactly 2 people in fact. The rest of the world doesn’t really want to have to do office work on a gameboy screen. Sure the price tag is low compared to, well, anything you'd actually think is handy, yet those two people actually believe it is worth it!

Here is an excerpt from one of the reviews on the site I found it on.

"Actually it makes a lot of sense, if you use graphical tools or photo tools they have a lot of toolbars that get in the way of your work, having those toolbars on another screen helps a lot." - Broken Bird

Well, when you put it that way...

The USB powered Ass Cooler

Where would this article be without Japan? The world loves Japan, more so in the way that we just can't look away. 90% of the articles you will read on the entire internet are fueled by Japanese rage, and by rage, I mean horrid perversity. Those crazy Japanese have decided that the only thing better than sitting in your underwear at the computer for 64 hours straight(link to guy dying at computer in internet café), is to do the same with a nice chilled rump. So they have brought to you, the USB powered butt cooler. It is exactly what it sounds like. You plug it in, sit on it (Ayyyy) and let the cooling feeling creep up your cheeks. Perhaps it would be a bit better to just, you know, stand up every now and then.

"Ayyy, my ass is the coolest!"

The Rocket

I can picture it now. You sitting in your little cubicle, swearing to God and anyone else within earshot about that TPS report you have to finish. Why not blow off some steam? Here’s your ticket. The USB powered, computer aimed rocket launcher. No, it doesn’t explode. No, it isn’t impressive. But you can be damned sure to garnish absolutely no respect from anyone that you shoot it at, if you still have a job after all the “assault” charges that will be filed against you. Just remember to aim for the eyes, it’s the only chance you’ll have at a clean getaway.

Careful there, Saddam!

The USB Necktie

Are you an on-the-go business man? A eccentric philanthropist? A complete loser? Then this is the tie for you! I don’t really have too much to say about it. Other than, why the hell would anyone wear this, I mean, who’s going to be so busy that they don’t have time to actually just pull a USB out of their pocket? Seriously, get a life whomever is wearing this. Yes, you, the one guy in the universe that actually bought this. Douche.

He owns 27 of them.

-Ari Racz

Santa is really a zombie (Seriously)

2009-12-24T15:48:00.003-05:00

Actually, Saint Nick isn’t a fat guy at all. Also, he never gave out presents, unless you count the massive dowry he put up so a few chicks didn’t have to be prostitutes. Wait, what? It’s true! He gave three impoverished daughters of a pious Christian enough cash so they wouldn’t have to whore it out all over the place. Now that's the spirit!

Santa at his best.

Santa doesn’t live in the North Pole, not year-round at least. Among his many homes, the zip codes include H0H0 H0, and 99705, from Canada and Alaska, respectively. He is also said to live in Finland, Denmark, Greenland, Norway, Sweden, and Jersey Gardens (The shopping mall). Basically, Santa is an international playboy. I would have to assume his wife isn’t old and ugly, but rather a former Bond girl that dresses up like an elf every now and then.

Because he lives in Canada, you’d probably not want to get your hopes up too high, just expect a sweater and some reindeer socks. The Canadian Minister of Immigration actually proclaimed Santa a full-fledged citizen of Canada, so that’s one thing they have on everyone else.

And whatever the hell this is all about.

Santa does have a magical workshop in the North Pole, it’s magic, and yes it’s there. He owns many sweatshops across the globe, where he “employs” magical elves…

"Magical" "Workshop"

After they have worked themselves into malnutrition and bloody fingers, he feeds them to his reindeer. How else do you think they fly? Duh. Oh, and those reindeer socks you’re getting, also dyed with elf blood. Just saying.

Bloodthurst.

Kids have been writing letters to Santa for like, ever. They get answered by volunteers from the post office. More than 13,000 a year since 1982, actually. That just leaves one question in the minds of the youth of today. “Daddy, why does my letter from Santa smell like the study on poker night?”

The truth about Santa, is that his modern image was created by a few poets and story tellers over the past few centuries. It seems that companies can sell an image that looks like this:

Compared to this:

"I present you, children. Don't ask."

Yeah, that’s what he would have really looked like, not too interesting, right? Much better as a fat guy that breaks into your house and steals your milk and cookies every year. It’s only natural that a few people would want to make the whole story and enigma of Santa just that much less tangible to the imagination. Because in reality, he wasn’t that great, in fact, he was just really, really religious. “Saint Nicholas of Myra was just a Greek Christian Bishop, and he was typically portrayed wearing your basic monkish robe and gear". (Think the friar from Robin Hood)

Santa is actually very dead. Originally his remains were laid to rest in Turkey. Turkey also claims the title of “Final resting place of the Virgin Mary”, suck on that every other country, ever. Even though he’s a bag of bones now, he still likes to travel. He made it all the way to Italy (with help, of course). He still manages to get up and around the world once a year. Because he’s a zombie. Zombie fucking Santa. How awesome would that movie be?! Next time you’re leaving out milk and cookies, think twice. If you were a zombie, wouldn’t you really want some brains and elf blood? Maybe if you do that, he’ll give you a little something extra under the tree next year!

Makes perfect sense.

So Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you have a great time with your friends and families! And remember, keep the fire lit, zombies hate fire.

-Ari Racz

The higgs Boson Particle... Is a jerk.

2009-12-13T16:11:00.002-05:00

So we all know what the Higgs Boson particle does, right? Really? You have no clue what any of that means? Where have you been, under a rock? Seriously, everyone knows about that! It is the particle that supposedly gives everything mass. And also, is a jerk. It can travel through time just to make you look like you have no idea what you’re doing, just to point and laugh at you. Here’s a pie chart I stole from the Cornell physics department to prove to you how much of a jerk this thing is.

Clearly a jerk.

Mr. Boson (aka jerk) has been said to have traveled from the future to stop itself from being discovered. There is still no word if Sarah Connor is safe. It seems like the particle is a terminator designed to terminate itself before it exists. Self aware particles can’t be good for anything at all. Which begs the question, how the hell does a particle go back in time on it’s own accord, and stop itself from being found? No, I do not have an answer to that question, and neither does anyone else.

Cern’s newest LHC mechanic.

So far the particle has traveled back in time over 80 times, then again that is a conservative estimate. Stopping experiments around the world just so that we won’t know it is there. Even though if it is in fact stopping attempts to find it, doesn’t that prove that it exists? Seems like the whole religion debate… No wonder why they call it the “God Particle”.

Higgs Boson at work.

So why on Earth would scientists want to find such a douche. Well, it would solve many of the issues that scientists have with holes in equations and whatnot. First of all it would allow us to figure out how things obtain the mass that they have, also how jerks react to anything ever. Solving the super symmetry theory would be a great step ahead in physics. The particle could answer many of the riddles that have plagued physicists since Newton got pissed at an apple.

“God I hate apples.”

The best tool for the search for the jerk, is the Large Hadron Collider. It is massive, 26,659 meters, that’s over 16 miles in circumference. The scientists have to cool the giant electromagnets by using over 60 tons of liquid helium, couldn’t they just freeze the Higgs Boson like T-1000? This thing is so powerful, it accelerates particles to 99.99% of light. The only problem is that the LHC will only last around 15 years. So the Higgs Boson wins once more! All it has to do is keep messing with shit from the future…

Yeah, something like that.

It would be greatly exciting to find the particle, and well, might help us understand how to do some things more efficiently. From pretty much anywhere you can look, cars use gas, understanding the mass of things could allow us to unleash a great deal of energy from what we already have. Space travel would most definitely advance a few leaps. Even shoes, Tvs, pretty much anything you could ever imagine would be better. Only if that particle wasn’t such a douche.

My trip to the Bronx Zoo (Rejected by the New York Times)

2009-12-05T22:45:00.003-05:00

It has been years since I've visited my friends at the Bronx Zoo. I decided to take a field trip there and give you the scoop on all the new stuff they have! Eco bathrooms, Astor court, the Congo Gorilla Forest, and of course, the Wild Asia monorail! So exciting!!! It took about two hours to get there, so I left a bit early. I took the 5 train all the way to Southern Blvd. and had to hoof the rest. I came in the south gate entrance, and had to plan my round in the zoo based on that.

The first place I decided to hit because I wanted to have an even flow around the place, was the pheasant aviary... It was horridly boring. I moved on to the Gorillas. They were awesome, hooting and hollering, and throwing stuff at the hopefully bulletproof glass.. Maybe that last one was because I kept acting like I was going to poach their pelts, or that's what I kept telling them. From there I went to the wild African dogs, and the giraffe building. Those dudes are tall, like, really really tall. Somehow I ended up in the middle of the African Plains part, and when I say in the middle, I mean right in the middle of the exhibit. I don't think I was supposed to be there, the zoo staff was positive I wasn't supposed to be in there. After a lengthy explanation, they played right into my plan to make them think I was just an idiot. Damn, I love being an investigative reporter.

As I left the administration building at the Asia gate, somehow I had managed to maintain my original path around the park! I went to jungle world, and saw the tigers, one of my favorite! I saw the monkeys (yes, flinging poo) and I saw some fishies, it seemed odd, to house all of the tigers favorite foods right next door, but it is not my place to say so. I did anyway. The staff didn't seem too happy about my suggestion to separate them for fear of the monkeys being tiger food. A six year old started to cry due to my observation, I decided it was time to go. I left the monkey death house in favor of the "Wild Asia Monorail", which begged the question... "How lazy are these animals?" I found no animals on the monorail, my guess was because they didn't have jobs. I left the monorail area and took a right, and followed the left fork in the road... I got to the lions, they seemed very unimpressed when I flashed my press pass, which I had made on the train out of a permanent marker and the back of my monorail ticket. Without having a single piece of usable interview from the lions, I kept moving. I saw the baboons, not too impressive though. I decided to go into the "World of Darkness" exhibit, where I promptly fell down three flights of stairs. When I awoke from my stupor, I found myself inside of one of the displays... Unfortunately for me it was the man-eating snake display. Luckily, I had my stun gun with me, because elephants never forget. After my brief (yet exhausting) battle with the giant behemoth of an animal, I stood victorious! They immediately threw me out of the "World of Darkness".

That's when I hit the highlight of my trip. I was heading in the direction of the Big Bears exhibit. I was pleased to see the grizzly, he was a big mofo! When I arrived at the polar bear exhibit, it was all roped off with coverings around it. I poked around and asked a worker bee what the hell was going on, because I wanted to see the fucking polar bear. He told e some fancy scientist from the arctic circle was conducting an experiment with robots interacting with them. So I punched him in the throat and flashed my press pass. I may have punched him much harder than intended, he hit the floor and waved his arm in one wild unconscious motion. I took this as a sign that my credentials were valid, and proceeded into the tent like structure blocking my inquisitive view. What I saw there, was just spectacular! I saw the experiment they were conducting, a polar bear knife fighting a robot. Fucking brilliant. I snapped a few shots before the security guard chased me two feet and slipped on a banana peel. Thanks monkeys!

I didn't think anything could top that, I mean, come on! So I decided to just breeze through the rest of the park, reminiscing about my extraordinary luck to be at the zoo the very same day that they were conducting such a bad-ass experiment. I went to the Himalayan highlands area, saw a snow leopard, and a bird... Once again these people are so comfortable putting predators right next to their natural prey. I continued on my way, taking a left along a very very long path. It had one squirrel on it, one. I didn't think the zoo would just forget about an entire nearly mile-long stretch of land, but they put a squirrel in it, so that works I suppose. This path lead me to the new Eco restroom. It was pretty impressive, I'd have to say. Not much more than a bathroom though. On my way back to where I originally came from I had a few nifty exhibits to look at, so I continued on my way happily. I passed up the world of birds, however. having striking visions of Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds". Moving instead to the bison area... Which made me crave for a bison burger. I went to the concession stand and asked if they had any. They said no, of course. I thought to myself, "How could a place that actually has bison, not have a bison burger?" Flabbergasted, I stomped towards the zoo center to complain about that. Once again, my credentials were not recognized for the hard-hitting journalistic appeal I usually muster. Being waved off, I decided to leave for the day. Having a satisfying trip (Just because of the polar bear robot knife fight) I may end up taking another trip sometime in the near future.

It was on the way home that the most intense thing of the day happened. I was waiting for the 5 train around 4:45 PM, and that's when it happened. I was simply sitting there, giggling like a pansie about the polar bear robot knife fight pictures I managed to obtain, when a group of ninjas popped out of nowhere. Everyone fled. Me, being the die-hard giver of facts that I am, decided to stay and cover the event for future pubication. I wasn't sure why they were there in full fighting attire, but I was sure as hell going to find out. After a few moments, a couple samurai tromped down the stairs in full battle armor. Now this was getting good. The ninjas spared no time in attacking, they launched a furry of suruiken and stars at the samurai, they seemed unphased, and charged with a full battle cry that nearly made me shit mysef. There was a battle that lasted a whole three minutes and 47 seconds. One samurai remained, and two ninjas. I was impressed with the samurai, the ninjas just flipped off, most likely because they had to get some shoes.

I was pleased with my day at the zoo. I saw a lot of cool animals, some not so cool animals. A polar bear knife fighting a robot, which I didn't think I will ever see again in my entire life. Unless that experiment pans out, I guess. I got thrown out of a few places, almost eaten by a snake, nearly pummeled by a gorilla. Pretty good story all around, I presented it to my editor. He sneezed and used it as a tissue, even though he was holding a tissue in his left hand. Asshole. So here it is, not in the news, but on my blog. And that was my trip to the zoo. Maybe next time you could come with, you know, just to watch my back!n The pics will come soon! Not having a card reader is a bitch... Damn monkeys.

Bottoms up! A few reasons to be a (moderate) booze hound!

2009-11-27T16:04:00.002-05:00

Throughout the years there have been many reasons to drink. Beer Pong, Frat Parties, that one girl that didn't look so good ten minutes ago... Nowadays even doctors are telling people it might not be a bad idea to have a few drinks, hence the reason Bruce Campbell is the fine specimen of a man he is today. And also why so many people in AA are well, the way they are.

Your new personal trainer.

Here's a few doctors that go right ahead and tell you to finish your drink, you panzy.

Alzheimer's?

So you don't want to be a drooling, mumbling, shell of a human at age 65, good for you. Here's a little something that might help you out, booze! That's right, in 2002 a study was conducted over a 6 year period, it included 5,000 people over the age of 55. In the beginning of the study none of the participants had any signs of Alzheimer's, when it ended 197 of them were forgetting to put on pants before leaving the house. You might think that's not so incredible, but look at the facts! 5.3 million people in America have Alzheimer's. Go ahead, look out the window. Do you see that guy to the left? Everyone but him has Alzheimer's. Don't worry though, in just over a minute he'll forget where he lives.

Are these my teeth?

So how does alcohol help?

Out of all 5,000 people that were fine, the ones that had 1 to 3 drinks a day, ended up being 42% more fine in the end. Even people that had 1 to 3 drinks a week ended up being 25% less likely to develop some kind of dementia. Bottoms up, before you forget to pour that next one!

He's totally going to remember that. Unfortunately, so will all of us.

A beer a day...

It's true, fuck apples, beer is where it's at! Everyone knows the key to good health is to be happy (Just look at Bill Clinton). But when it comes to being happy, what is better than beer? Hypertension is a condition that effects most of the people in America, even hardened journalists, sometimes. Dr. Norman D. Kaplan stated "The benefits of drinking moderate amounts of alcohol is well beyond contention." We couldn't agree more, Doc!

"According to my machine, you died three months ago."

So how does beer do the trick?

In a study done by Dr. Kaplan, now known as "God Among Men", documents the plight of over 70,000 female nurses. That's right, women love beer too, suck on that fratty boy! In the study he found that the nurses that indulged in a few beers here or there had far less stress levels than those who pounded some vodka after a shift of blood soaked sheets, proving without a doubt that beer is king!

Damn straight.

DIABETES!

Yeah, one of the most costly ailments in America. Booze helps. Medical researchers looked into 15 studies and found that if you drink moderately, you have a significantly less risk to develop type 2 diabetes. So, make sure you have a glass of wine with that cake, fatty! People that drank up to four drinks a day were 30% less likely to get it.

Above: Heavy drinker

So how does it help?

First of all, if you do have diabetes, you're not out of luck. Alcohol has shown to improve the effects of insulin in a "healthy" diabetic. Meaning, you too can drink your woes away, or just sit in that recliner with a sixer and a pack of cheese-puffs. It has also shown to improve fatty acid levels, which obviously are important, and stuff. The sauce also improved HDL cholesterol. That's the stuff you want, not that damn bad cholesterol. (You know, Big Macs)

The helmet should help, right?

So there you have it. Drinking good. So, have another round on me! While you're chugging that last little bit, remember, you're doing yourself a favor!

-Ari Racz

Time for a history lesson!

2009-11-23T08:35:00.008-05:00

Sure, We've all been there, get drunk at a party, wake up with a sharpe cock on your face. Not a new story, hell, it's all on video tape soon to debut on the front page of youtube. What about the movies you slept through in high school? Right, there was an army in Sparta, there was a Persian war machine, Hitler was a fucking robot.

Holy Fuhrer!

What about the true stories that were so amazingly engorged by hollywood, those who never knew it existed that believed it to be true?

300
Yes, Sparta was a great asset, to the Greeks. It was never an independent state. The movie makes it seem like they were all bred from a combination of Thor and Wonder-Woman. The reality is that there was never a second guess that they had to fight off the Persians. They had to allow Greece to be "free". Sparta was basically a training camp for the best of the Greek soldiers, not a country that only bred soldiers. The fact that there were only 300 spartans, but as many as 7,000 other soldiers from neighboring states has nothing to do with it though, right?

They're back there, somewhere

The second reality is that the Persians didn't threaten Sparta at all, Sparta didn't really give a fuck, being the soldiers they were, they did what they were told. The majority of the battle may have been fought with sword and shield, but the real war was won on the sea. By blocking the Straight of Artemisium, led by no more than 200 Greek ships, against three times as many Persian ships. Without the help of the Greek fleet, the Persians would have surrounded the Spartan and Athenian soldiers, dooming them to be Persian belly dancers for all of eternity (or until they just gave up from pure exhaustion)

I will not "Get down tonight"!

The Excorcism of Emily Rose

We all know the story, girl goes nuts, her super religious parents think it's "Da Debil" and proceed to have a priest come and "cleanse her soul". How many times has that worked? Who the hell cares, but they gave us the impression that it should have. Emily Rose was diagnosed years after the court said she had a "problem", that problem? Schizophrenia. In 1968 when Emily was just 17 she began to suffer from convulsions, the courts findings had pinpointed her first epileptic attack at age 18 in 1968. She was diagnosed with having Grand Mal Epilepsy, so what caused people to believe the was possessed?

Oh Emily, you and your "episodes"!

Well, the "unofficial" diagnosis was made by an "older woman" while Emily was on a pilgrimage, while refusing to drink from a holy spring.

That is totally fucking holy, what do you know?!

Avoiding a certain posed statue of Jesus.

For Christ's sake!

The woman then claimed that Emily smelled "Hellishly Bad", because who hasn't blamed that one on someone else? A few people were convicted of murder due to negligence, because we all know giving a "demon" food or water makes them ten times stronger! All in all, the end is basically clear, the beginning, not so much.

10,000 B.C.
Sure, cavemen existed, and woolly mammoths, and saber-toothed tigers... We can still see the pyramids, but all at once? In the movie, they depicted cavemen as being sort of suave and clean cut, you try shaving with a rock, won't get you too far. The writers of the movie decided that using wooly mammoths to build giant pyramids in the desert would be the best way to go, considering wooly mammoths love blazing sun and no water to speak of.

Perfect, that's a wrap!

Intermingling a lot of different cool ass shit from way back when is pretty captivating and all, but it teaches you about as much as the Flintstones would. That mammoth should be vacuuming right about now, and where are all the rock based puns? Overall the Egyptians weren't building anything like a pyramid until about 2,500 B.C., yet they somehow enslaved countless cavemen and started building over 7 thousand years before they could write any of this down. Feels more like the Far Side than an actual movie, maybe they should script that? Who wouldn't like to watch a chicken and a cow talk about what's the best cut of a farmer?

Shown: A more accurate depiction of prehistoric families

I'll stick to the History channel for my factual information, thank you very much. No wonder why education in America is always questioned!

-Ari Racz

It's about time to take a vacation!

2009-11-20T13:18:00.004-05:00

Thinking that I could use a break from reality (mine, at least). I spoke to a travel agent, she seemed to be pretty knowledgeable and cheap, too. It's just that, the places she suggested weren't really that appealing to me after I thought about them for a while. She was sort of pushy, and sort of creepy at the same time. Here's a few of the places that were suggested, and the reasons why I didn't want to go.

Romania- Vlad Dracul's castle

In order to get to the actual castle, you have to drive for hours. Then you have to walk up 1,480 fucking steps.

This, times ten. Seriously?

You want me to walk that? I barely walk to the corner store, and you want me to walk half a mile uphill? That's all well and good, even if they had an escalator I wouldn't go. the spirits of the thousands of people that were put to death there are still said to roam the ruins. That's a big no. The fact is, the place is just plain creepy.

Creepy.

His bedroom was purposely built directly above the torture chamber. Why? So he could hear the screams of agony coming from the dungeon as he slept. Leaping down those steps ten at a time might be the only enjoyable thing about the whole experience. Also, fuck Romania.

African Safari -

Pretty animals and animals eating other animals. The downside is Hippos, Crocs, Cheetas, Lions, Elephants, Snakes, Spiders....

Instant death.

Just about anything with legs, and everything that doesn't have any. No one really counts on them being the most dangerous animal in Africa. Pretty much anything with eyes, and hey, even some plants want to kill you. Yes, they want to kill you.

Plotting against mankind.

Over half a million people visit African countries every year on Safari. For every one person that goes on vacation there, three tourists die. That is a fact. Don't worry about the cannibals, oh wait, maybe you should!

Peru- Machu Picchu

7,710 ft above sea level, and you have to walk, with no guards in place. So when you tumble down the side of a mountain, you're not going to be thinking "Wow, this is a fucking awesome way to get down from that giant mountain!"

Peruvian elevator.

What's really going through your head is more like the longest and most vile string of profanity that has ever occurred, anywhere. And you might get kidnapped, or shot by militants, or eaten by something, or robbed at a stoplight. There are border conflicts daily, cocaine and other drug runners. A third of the world's kidnappings actually happen in Columbia, sounds fun right? Until you have your life in the hands of Russel Crowe. That's never fun. Then there is the Peruvian Fat Cartel. That's right, they kill people for their fat!

Australia- The Great Barrier Reef

dangah dangah dangah! Great white sharks, blue ring squid are fucking seriously poisonous, then there is the box jellyfish, like the size of a grape, and will fucking kill you. Don't forget about the stingrays, the hitman of the wild. The most deadly animals in the world live there. And if they don't get you. kangaroos will.

"Just as soon as I'm done with this beer... You, me, outside."

Cambodia- Ankor Wat

Pol Pot, landmines, mean rebels with rocket launchers, and monkies. That about sums it up.

I think I'll stay at home, thanks.

-Ari Racz

America! Land of the Free... Permitted

2009-11-19T11:38:00.011-05:00

I was pondering to myself the other day, "Now that there is a slight turn-around in the economy, I bet people are going to want to expand a bit." And that lead me to thinking about Nikolai Sutyagin. In turn, that brought me to another thought, and how in America you would need so many permits to do anything to your own house that it would make your head spin. I mean, twelve stories of random wood and sheet metal? That's a friggin skyscraper made out of wood! It could never happen, here anyway. America, Land of the ~~Free~~ Permitted.

Totally worth 17 years of your life.

Being the voice of the masses, well at least 7 people, I decided to find out exactly what you'd have to do to build an addition to your home. I didn't get very far, although, I did make headway in some aspects...

Here is a transcript of my recent conversation with the state department of zoning. I will refer to the department. as "ZD" (zoning department) and myself, as always will be "A.R."

ZD - "Thank you for contacting the State Department of Zoning, for English please press one. Spanish, numero dos.

*Beep*

ZD - Thank you, an operator will be with you shortly. Estimated wait time: sixty-four minutes.

A.R. - Shit.

(After a seventy-nine minute wait)

ZD -Thank you for calling the Department of Zoning. All of our operators are busy right now, please try again later.

A.R. - Shit.

*click*

After that failed attempt at getting any information, I decided to take a more direct approach. Once again armed with sandwiches and an unrelenting determination I went to the branch in New York City to get the scoop. This time, with honey roasted turkey, swiss, deli mustard, and a pickle. (I ate the cookie that came with it) I ended up with Larry, although he wouldn't give me his last name, because I ate the cookie. Here's what I found out.

A.R.- Hello Larry, thanks for interviewing with me today.

Larry- This is an interview? You told me you wanted to talk about birds.

A.R.- Yeah, I want build an aviary and a second story addition on my house.

Larry- Why do you want an aviary?

A.R.- I like birds.

Larry- That much?

A.R.- Hey, who's doing the interview here? You keep asking me questions and I'll eat the sandwich.

Larry- Where is that sandwich anyway?

A.R.- (Under my breath) What is the deal with these people and sandwiches?

Larry- What was that?

A.R.- That was another question!

Larry- Whoa, relax. What did you want to know again?

A.R.- Sorry, I get... Passionate during interviews. Again? No, I didn't know it in the first place.

Larry- I can't believe you ate my cookie.

A.R.- Technically, it was my cookie, since it was in my possession at the time. And you don't even know me Larry. Are you implying that I'm a bad person?

Larry- Well, I enjoy cookies, thank you very much.

A.R.- You're very welcome, Larry.

Larry- So you want to build an aviary and a second story on your house?

A.R.- No, I want to build an aviary as part of my second story expansion.

(I glare at him for a few seconds with a look of intensity encompassed only by that of an angry girlfriend, partially trying to instill the alpha male dominance I learned is a necessity during an interview, also due to the fact he has a distracting mole about his right eye.)

Larry- Oh, well you need to fill out some forms. And then have a building inspector come by, and show the plans.

A.R.- I refuse to fill out anymore forms.

(Uncomfortable silence ensues)

A.R.- I do have the have the plans right here!

(I pull out a crumpled napkin with a rough draft of the expansion plans)

A.R.- Here you go!

Larry- (Stares blankly at the scribbled sketch)

(This is a digital mock-up of my plans)

A.R.- Sorry about the coffee stain. I believe everything is in order.

Larry- Did you draw this at the deli?

A.R.- Again with the questions!

Larry- I'm a bit confused as to what I'm looking at here.

A.R.- Isn't it obvious? On the left is my house now, on the right is the house with the second story and the aviary. Notice the bird? I did point it out for you.

Larry- Yes, I noticed the bird.

A.R.- Good. Then can we start with the paperwork?

Larry- Here is a few brochures for you to look over about expanding.

A.R.- Are you saying that I'm getting fat?!

Larry- What?

A.R.- OH, expanding. Gotcha. (wink)

Larry- (stares blankly at me for several seconds) Is that my sandwich?

A.R.- Technically, it's my sandwich.

Larry- I believe this interview is over.

A.R.- Not until I finish the sandwich it isn't.

Larry- You're sort of rude, aren't you.

A.R.- I call it "Journalistic Integrity". It keeps me on my game.

Larry- It seems like rudeness to me.

A.R.- Alright, I'm done with the sandwich. Thanks for the soda, Larry!

Larry- I bought that from the vending machine. By the way, I will personally refuse any permits that you file. (Gets up and leaves the room, leaving my empty hand outstretched in an attempt to shake hands)

A.R.- Now that, Larry, is rude.

That's as far as I got. These guys are really, really demanding! So I decided to send an email to them and get some real answers. I also ate another turkey sandwich. It turns out, that all you need to build anything you want, is a set of brass balls, a contractor, and a few bucks. And I set out to do just that. I got a call from the director of code enforcement the day after I completed the structure.

My "structure" (fucking perfect.)

After I built it, and spoke with the director of code enforcement. They sent a few goons to tear it down. It took them all day long. (I used 3,856 nails, 209 screws, and 18 gallons of glue) here is what was left...

Not much of anything anymore.

Frankly, I was a bit upset, it took me three hours to build that. Three. All in all, I think I found out a lot about the whole building code thing. Most importantly, people fucking love sandwiches.

-Ari Racz

Invasion!! Well, not entirely...

2009-11-15T20:40:00.005-05:00

The need to control others be primal, part of our primate ancestry and hierarchy. Human domination over all life, is an extension of this behavior. And I am no exception. Besides the fact that I am slowly but surely overtaking the population.

Lets assume a nervous system is all about control. The human brain is the greatest and arguably the most advanced emergent component of all nervous systems. The most complex. Like parasites we become more mobile, and conversely more stationary. Here are a few that well, dont want to sit around and wait that long.

The Ant Parasite: Mind control at it's finest!

The Ant Parasite has a pretty interesting life. First, well there is no first it just goes around and around, I'll just start with the snail part of it. Yeah, snail, not ant. When a snail eats some cow poo (yes they do), it ingests little fluke eggs. When these eggs hatch, they burrow through the intestinal wall of the snail, lodging in a gland and producing a second generation of flukes. Then they piss off the snail by acting like chunks of slime balls. As if snails weren't slimy enough already. Yadd yadda, it spits them out leaving them everywhere!

Tasty!

But guess what, the Mr. Ant loves snail slime balls. They're kinda like cheese puffs if you want to think of them that way, although you problably don't. This is when it gets interesting, the fluke burrows it's way around the ant. Assuming they are either really good with direction, or they have a map, they find the brain! Then the ant feels compelled to hang out on a blade of grass all night long, waiting for, that's right, a cow to eat it. See how that works? I knew that already, but did you? Yeah I didn't think so. If the ant does not get eaten by a cow, then it goes on about it's day. But during the night, like some kind of righteously backwards fucking super hero, it goes back to wanting to be eaten.

Then there is Toxoplasma gondii: The "Cool" parasite

Above: A total zombie.

Ok so it's pretty much harmless to humans. If you could consider skydiving, bungee jumping, or shooting yourself in the face completely harmless. It's from cats, and most of us have it. So we're self destructive and arrogant, got a problem with that? Anyways, this thing comes from cats, effects around 3 billion people, and makes you more outgoing and prone to "reckless behavior" as those stuffy lab guys call it. They studied it in rats, and the rats wanted to hang out near cat piss. I'm sure that's a common trait with a lot of people in New York too, but they're not admitting to anything.

Ayyyyy!

Who could forget about The Bodyguard Parasite!

These guys aren't really bodyguards, but they make their victim into one! The parasite in question here is a wasp, I know what you're thinking, "Why would a wasp want protection?" It's for the babies! The wasp lays eggs in a caterpillar (yeah, dick move) and then the eggs hatch and all that jazz. Then they crawl out of the caterpillar, going right next to it on a branch or leaf or whatever. The caterpillar just hangs around waiting for bad bugs to try and eat the cocoons. When a bad bug does come around, the caterpillar just swings its head wildly around trying to knock the bad bug off the leaf. Technically the wasp isn't an actual parasite, because it only spends part of its life cycle in the caterpillar, but it's still a pretty big dick. After the panzy wasps hatch, the caterpillar just dies. I'm assuming it's because he has no more purpose in life, and decides it isn't worth it anymore, and hangs himself or something like that.

Tough as nails.

Any way you cut it, parasites are just assholes, big ones. It's not a far stretch to think that humans one day could be deceived and "hijacked" by some crazy parasite. So a little bit of advice... Don't drink the water in Mexico, or have ice, or go to Mexico in general.

-Ari Racz

It's Friday the 13th! Holy Crap!

2009-11-13T12:13:00.028-05:00

Crucifix, check. Four-leaf clover, check. Horse shoe, check. Garlic, check. It's Friday the 13th, and some shit's goin' down today! Well, not really, although everyone seems to think so. I'm not too worried about it, and neither should you be!

Just in case.

That new move 2012 is coming out today, on Friday the 13th. Wouldn't it have been better to release it on December 22nd? Anyway...

Oh, there's your problem!

The truth about Friday the 13th is that there is none! Some seem to think it all started way back when the Christians converted the Vikings to their religion. The tale goes something like this...

"Friday is named for Frigga, the free spirited goddess of love and fertility. When they converted Frigga was Banished to some mountaintop and labeled as a witch. And that every Friday the witch communed with 11 other witches and the Devil. Another theory about it, is that in paganism the number 13 was considered lucky, and Christianity (yeah, those guys, again) in a twisting of religion, made it seem to be the opposite in attempts to convert people from being pagans."

That doesn't really explain where they got the 13th from, but hey, makes for a good story so that your kids don't go climbing mountains or anything. The 13th is said to have been invented in a way during the 19th century, when Gioachino Rossini had died on Friday the 13th in November in 1868. In numerology it's said that twelve is the number of "completeness" and thirteen transgresses this. Also having thirteen people sitting at a table for dinner will result in one of them dying (just like Jesus).

It all makes perfect sense.

There was also a battle on Friday the 13th in October of 1066 where King Harold the Second decided to march his troops right into battle without resting after a long march. What a dick move, he lost, and died.

Douche.

The social impact of the superstition is insane. People actually avoid doing anything on Friday the 13th. Literally, they are afraid to get out of bed. Even though it seems like less shit goes down on a Friday the 13th than any other random day. Take that Friday the 13th! It's most likely because all the bad guys are afraid of the day (yeah right). There are fewer car accidents, fewer break-ins, fewer violent crimes, fewer pies thrown... So I made that last one up, when was the last time you actually saw a pie being thrown? About the only thing that causes more accidents on Friday the 13th, is drunk people, just like any other Friday.

That is pretty unlucky.

So that's where the whole Friday the 13th thing comes from, basically nowhere. It is pretty much one of those silly superstitions that people got into their heads from word of mouth, folklore, and religious condemnations. In some countries, Tuesday the 13th is considered unlucky! Why, you ask? Well, the fall of Constantinople occurred on Tuesday the 29th in May of 1453. Yeah, not even the 13th...

So hang in there, folks! It's not so bad, right?

-Ari Racz

We're Overdue for a Spacewar!

2009-11-11T09:19:00.002-05:00

So I was watching Star Wars the other day, ok, it was Starship Troopers.... FINE, it was Jason X.

That has to be the best plan, ever.

That isn't the point, it's not important, shut up. The point is that it got me thinking to myself, "Damn! We need to have a badass space war!". I know what you're thinking, "Shut the fuck up Ari, you're crazy, why would we want more war?". Am I right? I'll tell you why, think of the advancements we have had as a direct result of war? Necessity breeds invention! There are many things that have been created as a direct result of war, advancements in medical and science industries that revolutionized the world. That is why we need to take the fighting into outer space! Lasers! Air-injected gatling guns! Proton missiles! We NEED it all! (Maybe not "need", per se, but it would be sweet!)

Sweet. (kinda, well it's a start)

Weapons are not the only thing we could take away from this whole "Star Wars" type encounter. No, there would be medical advancements that could literally extend our lives indefinitely. The field of robotics would certainly make a jump. I could use an R2-D2 myself, fuck C3PO, he's a bitch. Who wouldn't want a moon base to launch fighter ships from? We could also use it to boost tourism, while not blasting each other into deep space, or whatever.

Awesome.

Take robotics, for example. Since they have been introduced, modern robotics have done nothing more than just push through boundaries and wow the entire world. Now we have the technology to replace limbs, create bridges between our brains and a computer, even go places no human would dare to go, vicariously through a machine that is. The drive to make more and more advanced robots has only been fueled by wartime strategic opportunity. In the last four years we've had advancements during wartime that would dumbfound the latter generations. There are robots that can identify a friend or foe, carry a fallen comrade to safety, and even fly deep into enemy territory without a conscious ability to feel the fear that is with any human to do the same. Look at the Predator drones the army uses, they fuck shit up on a daily basis, all from something that looks like a flight simulator in a trailer.

What could possibly go wrong?!

Space travel would be especially revolutionized. Once again, the need overpowers the means. For decades culture has wanted nothing more than to be able to ask one another, "So, Bill, what are you going to do this weekend", "I dunno, Chuck, maybe go to the moon for some awesome moongolf?" They would surely make hotels and resorts on every planet and moon discovered. "Have a weekend on mars, on us!" Overpopulation and religious control would certainly have a large impact on galactic expansion. Imagine entire planets ruled by a singular religion, inevitably starting a holy crusade, thus perpetuating the spacewar further into oblivion. Imagine countries trying to take over entire planets before anyone else (I claim Io!), remember the space race? Yeah, that was pretty exciting!

He totally sliced that.

As for weapons, it wouldn't be that hard to get something working in space. Air-injection guns, compressed gas cannons firing chunks of whatever... You'd literally never run out of ammo! Without all that gravity and absolute zero temps up there, lasers would rock! There would be railguns, and whatever that big fucking gun from Doom was, wait, it was a Big Fucking Gun... I hope there would be like, pancake guns too, that would just be too tasty to pass up...

Take THAT!

Any way you slice it (with a a laser!)we'd have some pretty nifty crap come out of a spacewar... Think Star Wars, but not a long long time ago somewhere that no one really knows where it is. We would definitely have stories to tell our grandkids about how we actually had to walk to the fridge, and the only robot we had was in the movies. Oh, and that we actually had to change the channel on the tv instead of just thinking about it.... Then again, we would actually know how to read, instead of downloading everything into our brains, so that's a plus... Right?

Whoa. I know tai chi.

That Damned Dr. Klutschiev

2009-11-09T22:33:00.008-05:00

Over the past weekend I was just meandering around Washington Square in Manhattan with my wife as we tend to some days. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Big Apple, Washington Sq. is basically an epicenter on the weekends for street vendors and people that sell stuff... And crap, they sell a lot of crap. You can certainly find a whole lot of great stuff out there if you look hard enough. Personally, I always happen to migrate towards the books and literature, just to see if there's anything that they are selling for practically nothing.

This day was nothing less than unexpected. I approached one street vendor with a big table full of books. Everything from "new" books, to worn-out paperbacks that had seen better days. After thumbing around for a bit through the stacks, my wife brought one to my attention. It was a leather-bound personal looking book. It had the words "Dr. Klutschiev - 1897" embroidered on the spine. Intrigued, I bought the book, for a whole $1.50. As i found my way to a nice chunk of concrete near the fountain at Washington Square, I flipped through the old journal and one entry really screamed out at me... It even had a newspaper clipping glued in it. The clipping read; "Giant Mechanical Bear attacks the Flatiron Building!". It was dated for August 30th, 1926...

Now, I'm no history major, but I sure as hell don't remember hearing about that, ever. The clipping was pretty official, seeing as it must have been almost 80 years old and very faded, but still legible. It detailed how no one was sure where this bear had come from, or what it wanted. There were accusations, sure, most of which were directed at Tesla, but we all know he was crazy, not mad. Then it hit me, I had stumbled upon the journal of a real life mad scientist... I said to myself "That damned Dr. Klutschiev!"

It looks like he even got a picture of the monster

That lead me to really get interested in this guy, turns out he used to run his operations out of a now abandoned warehouse in the hell's kitchen area, complete with a workshop and underground lab. So I read more and more, and I couldn't get enough. It seems he basically wrote a manual for his nephew (age 5 at that time). Maybe his nephew never got the journal, or just wrote it off as nonsense stories his crazy uncle Klutschiev wrote, he must have sold it. Whatever the case is, here I am, reading what I have come to call "The Chronicle of that Damned Dr. Klutschiev".

Language barriers

2009-11-09T01:27:00.003-05:00

Sure we all know English, what are you reading right now? As Americans, we pride ourselves on being able to write, read, speak, and also describe boobs in the language. I decided to look around and expand my audience base. Sadly, I hit a few roadblocks. Chinese and German translators are easy to come by, the roadblocks were some of the other languages. How am I to reach out to over 6 billion people at once? (Nowadays everyone has a computer)

Warlpiri - What? First of all, only about 3,000 people in the world can actually understand it. To give you a little idea of what that's like, there are over 6,000,000,000 people on the planet, that's around one person for every two million on the planet. And 99% of those people live in Australia. No one is sure how long the language has been around, the Warlpiri people were only discovered during the late 19th century, so it's anyone's guess. The craziest part of it all, is the actual language, not the amount of people who speak it, but the amount of people who can.

So what makes it so difficult?

First of all, there are no separate words for "He", "She", "It", so basically everyone has to know what you are talking about all the fucking time. There are also only 15 letters in the alphabet. That's right, we couldn't even finish this sentence in the tongue. To give you an idea why, here is a list of extremely commonly used letters not in the Warlpiri alphabet;

B, C, E, F, H, O, Q, S, V, X, Z

That's right, Sesame Street cringes at the thought of this strange tongue.

Here's an example of a sentence that you would say on a daily basis, in Australia anyway;

Ngarrkangku ka wawirri pantirni - 'The/A man is spearing the/a kangaroo"

Ngurru karnangkurla ngarni - "My mouth is just watering over what you are eating." (That would get you smacked here in the states)

It may seem confusing to read, only because it is nearly impossible to say. Picture you as Charlie Brown sitting in class, and your teacher is talking, that's how it feels to listen to it by any regular person. They do have basic punctuation, although a hyphen joining two words can completely change the meaning. Simply put, half the time you are having a conversation with someone you have to guess what they are talking about is doing what, to what, with what. And all without any O's.

They did what?! The Most misleading national campaigns

2009-11-04T08:30:00.003-05:00

Swine-Flu Egypt pig slaughter

In 2009 the Swine flu panic gripped the world, nowhere was the anxiety greater than in Egypt. Egypt's President, Hosni Mubarak ordered the slaughter of every hog in the country, all 300,000 of them. You may be thinking that it isn't so bad, they're just pigs! After the initial slaughter more than 70,000 families found themselves with no way to provide for their families, as well as countless millions who relied on them. The mass slaughter caused the build-up of organic waste, once used to feed the thousands of hogs, collected by the swine caretakers. Before the swine holocaust, the caretakers would come everyday and pick up all the refuse left, now all that filth is piled so high in some places, you can't even move your car, and if the flies aren't enough, they have to deal with rats and snakes that are swarming all over it.

The biggest twist of the entire fiasco, was that not one Egyptian came down with the virus prior to the slaughter. Since the slaughter there have been 891 cases reported, including two deaths.

Welcome to the new and improved Cairo - Swine-Flu Free

PETA "Rocks"!

We all know pPETA does some awesome campaigning for animal rights, $32 million a year in fact! They garner so much attention that celebs even get in on the act. PETA is responsible for saving thousands of lab tested animals and mistreated creatures over many years. You may be asking yourself, "So, Ari, why are you writing about them being misleading?"

Here's the scoop...

Finding homes for 1 out of 300 animals they rescue. The good old people over at PETA feel it is more cost effective to make people aware of animals being killed than actually saving their lives! In the entire year of 2008, PETA found homes for a record breaking 7 animals. SEVEN. Have these people heard of the Internet?

As a comparison, the PETA headquarters has put down 95% of all animals under their watchful eye, the SPCA a few miles away has found homes for nearly 95% of all animals, all done with a fraction of the budget that PETA has.

Intelligent Design

For years the followers of "Intelligent Design" have been trying to get is accepted as a viable theory opposing evolution. We've all heard of it, some may even believe in it. While they have been hiding in the dark for many years, recently the following has been working it's way out of the woodwork with a few films made to "debunk" the theory of evolution... Using such gems as "Why do giraffe's brains not rupture when they bend down to drink water" their reasoning behind it is that when the specialized blood vessels trap blood to pressurize it in order not to flow all to its head, it should go there afterwards? It is really absurd stuff, like how only one bee in the world can pollinate the vanilla flower... Then again there is only one species of bee that drink human tears!

Here is a little sample of what they're talkin' bout
Just because bees are small, doesn't mean that they didn't figure it out millions of years ago...

The Church's war on condoms!

We all remember that whole "Pope talk's smack about the condom" episode, hinting that it actually increases the transmission of STDs. His press guys explained that he meant that it encourages people to have sex. Because hormones have absolutely nothing at all to do with sex, or puberty, or well, awkwardness. There have been a few of these condophobes (I think I'll use that again somewhere) Bishop Joseph Shipandeni Shikongo recently said that "Condoms lead to promiscuity". This guy also said that the media is promoting condom use more and more heavily to cover up the fact that the prophylactics have failed miserably. Other than the statistics that condoms have reduced the rate of STDs and pregnancy drastically since the mass introduction of them in the 70's. Go ahead and look up some stats, I'll hang around waiting..... Ok, done? Great! Did I mention that the bishop that is against the things live in Africa? Yeah, the highest rate of AIDS anywhere shouldn't use condoms.

Yeah, i know this isn't as light-hearted as some of my other posts... But hey, just needed to be there, more munching for the masses brains.

-Ari

A License to Thrill - The DMV Dilemma

2009-06-14T14:15:00.005-04:00

We all know the Department of Motor Vehicles is a horrible, soul crushing place to spend an entire day. Yet there is always a question in the back of our minds; "Why does this place have to suck?" Shouldn't we be allowed to turn the tables every now and then? Perhaps, have some fun at the DMV? Nay, we are there for one reason, and one reason only! To get our license renewed! Even so, there is another series of questions lingering in our minds. "Why are these people such assholes? Which of the people I am standing with today made them this way, and why do they pass it on to me?

I took the liberty (and most of an afternoon) to find out for myself and, of course, for you. I have persuaded three employees of the busiest DMV offices in my area to sit down and answer some questions I have for them. I compensated them "competitively", and provided a lunch for them. I had a sit down interview, and they answered everything that I had asked of them, as long as I had the proper paperwork completed prior to asking the questions, that is.

I believe introductions are in order, considering I paid these people for their time, I should be able to write whatever I want about them. The first to sign on to my little DMV endeavor, was Marisol Vasques, an 8 year veteran of the DMV, she has seen pretty much everything. Next up, we have Zack M., of course that is just an anagram as he wished to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation at his Garfield avenue office.No, he isn't the one with the crazy red hair, and bold scar running vertically down his right cheek from just under his eye to right on the crest of his jawline. Zack has been with the DMV for just over 5 years now, and he 'loves' every minute of it... Finally we have Albert Hauss, he is a senior department manager with the County Licensing team; He's the one that hands people their licenses after the picture is taken. Albert has been with the DMV for 9 years and counting... Anyway, on to the questions!

A.R. - Hello Albert, Zack, Marisol, it is a pleasure to have you here, thanks for coming out today.

All - You're welcome.

Albert - You said there would be sandwiches?

A.R. - I'll ask the questions here.

A.R. - I have Bologna and Turkey.

Zack - That wasn't a question.

A.R. - Yes it was, which would you prefer?

Marisol - We get a choice?

A.R. - So, If I want to get a fishing license, which form do I fill out?

All - ...

A.R. - Because I went and stood in line for like three hours, but every time I handed them a form they told me it was the wrong one. So far I have a Hazmat, a church parking permit, a sunday school zone parking permit, and a turtle breeding permit. Can any of these be used to fish?

Marisol - No, you have to fill out form 2687.5B-17.

A.R. - Is that the blue one?

Zack - No, it is the teal form.

A.R. - This one? (Holding up official looking form)

Albert - No, that's seafoam.

A.R. - Oh, no wonder why I can issue parking permits in Wisconsin.

Albert - You did this in Wisconsin?

A.R. - Excuse me?

Albert - What?

A.R. - So, everyone, what is one of the most annoying things that you have to deal with on a daily basis?

All in unison - Forms.

A.R. - Is this the fishing license form? (As I hold up an almost blue, yet slightly green form with some animal that doesn't look like any natural being on the face of the earth on the crest.)

All - ...

A.R. - ... Moving on. When you were first employed with the Department, was there a screening process?

Albert - Well, there was the interview, and then the stress test, and the application.

A.R. - And what did this stress test entail?

Zack - Forms.

A.R. - (Chuckle)

Zack - (Stares at me blankly)

A.R. - Sorry, I just find that slightly ironic, and you have to adm.... Is this the fishing form? (I hold up a greenish blue form with a hopeful look in my eyes)

Marisol - No, that is the dog breeder's license request form.

(I make note of that)

A.R. - So basically, you had to fill out forms, in order to tell people that they had to fill out forms?

Zack - Well, in a nutshell that's

(Zack gets cut off by Marisol mid sentence)

Marisol - Did you fill out the request to question DMV guidelines form 76985-7C?

A.R. - Is that, this one?

Albert - No, that is the fishing license request form.

A.R. - HA! I found it!

Zack - Wait, this whole time, were you actually interviewing us, or were you trying to get a fishing license?

A.R. - As I said earlier, I'll ask the questions here.

Marisol - Can I have my sandwich now?

A.R. - Ehem.

Marisol - Sorry, I'm a bit hungry.

A.R. - I don't really have anymore questions, oh, wait, there is one. How long does it take to get a license suspension request approval form from the government request log retrieval department?

Zack - You aren't supposed to know about that.

A.R. - It is amazing what some honey Dijon mustard can get you when used with the right bread.

All - (Blank stare)

A.R. - Thanks for coming out.

(Eating all the sandwiches)

So, I guess that was a successful trip to the DMV. I finally got my fishing license, and now I can fish off of a boat more than 20 feet from any shoreline in New Jersey. Next time, I'll see what it takes to get the right postage on a package that doesn't fit the proper dimensions!

-Ari Racz

Kill it with fire!: The Survival Guide to Alien Extermination

2008-12-19T16:39:00.006-05:00

So you want to know how to eliminate a hostile alien life form from your planet, spaceship, car or foot. How do you go about it? There are many, many ways to deal with such pesky critters and beasties! Your first instinct is most likely to go and grab your double-barrel, good thinking. Although, that isn't always the best way to take care of such a situation. I have just completed my first installment of alternative alien extermination certification course, and I'm going to pass on what I have learned to you!

Remember to stay calm! You're going to want to explore "Alternative ammo". What does that mean? It means anything you can find! I'm going to throw out a few examples for you just to wrap your head around it, and help you think "outside" the box, cocoon, pod or giant gelatinous alien blob thing, whatever you have a run-in with.

The first thing you would probably want for your arsenal of random crap that shouldn't hurt anything at all, is a gun. (Note: it is well noted that this will kill a lot of things.) You want something with enough ammo and stopping power, with a higher rate of fire. If anything else, it would buy you some time. Attempt to secure an AK-47, or more preferably a grenade launcher, failing that, go for a tactical shotgun, failing that try for a .45 cal., failing that, a crowbar would be your next best bet. Now you're strapped, awesome! What to do now? Remember: the gun won't always kill what you shoot at. Most of the time it will kill what you shoot at, then you have some sort of toxic alien blood oozing everywhere, which can be just as bad as that beastie you just executed.

So instead of going right for the bullet to the head method, try going for something a little less obvious. What do you have laying around in your bathroom? A bunch of cleaning products. Perfect! Remember "The Faculty"? Same approach here. Just go ahead and mix up a whole crapload of them, go ahead, I'll wait. When you meet a new person that you suspect is actually an alien bent on dominating mankind (Note: They can be very friendly, keep your guard up.) ask them to try this new wonder drug of yours, if they turn into a screaming melting blob, you've got yourself an alien! Just make sure to pour some bleach on it or something, those can be hell to clean up. Although, it may be a sly alien indeed. Upon refusal to try your human detection drug, you may just shoot them.

Which may lead to: "Wow, that drug is awesome! Got anymore?". Now you're in for it, the alien is onto you, he knows what you're up to. Time to try a new approach. So you're still in your bathroom, just look around! Is there anything else you can use? There sure is. What's that in the shower? Shampoo! Remember "Evolution"? Yeah, supposedly there is a chemical in some shampoo that will leave an alien mutant monster thing writing in a puddle of it's own melted flesh! So what you're going to do instead of "Shoot it in the face!" is grab that bottle of shampoo, pop off the top, and fling as much as you can right into that mean old alien's eyes. Any result? If you're lucky he'll be letting off banshee-like ear shattering screams! If not, his eyes are kinda stingy at best. Well, move on. Or try the shoot it in the face method at this point, if that doesn't work, try this.

Now, beating an alien around with a crowbar or a bat would usually get the job done, not always. Remember "Signs"? He must have cracked every bone in that alien's skull. So you're still cowering in the bathroom crying like a baby, right? Perfect. Grab some sponges, or a washcloth or whatever you have that holds water. Fill it or soak it completely, and now toss your reverse Molotov cocktail at the mean old alien. If it did the trick you should see his flesh melting like a vampire soaked in holy water! The thing is, water isn't everywhere in the universe, sure there is water in most places, what about the guys that don't know it exists? So go ahead, see if the water will be the one thing that saves you! That could only beg the question: Why would aliens come to a planet which is made up of more than 75% of the one thing that could kill them? I'm looking at you, Shamalan. You know what, just shoot it in the face, it would leave a much clearer explanation.

Here's another scenario: Most likely in the event there is an alien invasion, the power would have gone out long before you had any idea. This will most likely happen at night time, as it does in almost every movie ever made involving aliens. Take "Pitch Black" for example. They get stranded on a planet that seems like it will never get dark, and when it does, there are some crazy looking monsters that can't see the light of day, unless they like being dead. So you may be asking yourself how to get some light. Grab a candle and some matches, a flashlight, just shed some light on the situation! If all goes well, then you've got a room full of crumbling critters, congrats! Or you could shoot it in the face. You only have so many bullets though, careful with that ammo Davey Crockett.

These are but a few of the many, many ways to eliminate a hostile alien species that are impervious to bullets. Your options are potentially limitless. Let's say you're on the beach, having a 50's style clam bake with a bunch of your friends. All of a sudden, an alien comes to massacre you and all of your pals. Oh no! Not so fast, there are things near the beach you can use too! Take "Alien Beach Party Massacre" for example, the aliens get bested by sunscreen! I'm assuming the higher the SPF, the deadlier it is to them. Maybe the monster aliens from "Pitch Black" could have used some of that? If that doesn't work, hit it with an oar, or just harpoon it in the face.

-Ari Racz

Crazy plants (That will scare you to death)

2008-12-15T16:27:00.006-05:00

If there is one thing mankind is great at, its finding the plant that will fuck you up the most! Sure, you've heard of "peyote" and "marijuana", those are childsplay compared to a few of these. I have done extensive research on the matter (research in the same way your older brother got you to try a cigarette.) Only this time it was the witch doctor shoving them down helpless victim's throats while patiently waiting behind a glass barrier, just in case their intestines exploded. They did.

Virolas - This is one of the more recently discovered hallucinogenic plants. It's a short bush with green glossy leaves. Don't go running around looking for thick glossy leaves just yet (unless you live in a tropical climate, such as Venezuala, Columbia, or Chile', that is.) This plant has been used to coat arrow tips for hunting, assuming hallucinating anything like this would be frightening enough to make a deer, or a man, or an elephant commit suicide. The Yekwana Indians of Venezuela in their preparation and use of the snuff in 1909 commented: "The hakudufha obviously has a strong stimulating effect, for immediately the witch doctor begins to sing and yell wildly, all the while pitching the upper part of his body backwards and forwards."

How is it used? They take the bark from the tree, pounded up into a paste, boil it in a small pot until all that remains is a fine powder, then it is used as a snuff... Like cocaine, but more bashittier. Mostly used by a shaman, (that's the guy that said he could heal stuff if only he had something to show him how) he blows the fine powder into the air, sniffs, and then snuffs it, as if breathing it in wasn't powerful enough. He has wild visions and convulsions, during which time he is said to be healing.

What does it do you you? I'm glad you asked. It is mostly used during a yearly ceremony memorializing those who have died the year before. There must be A LOT considering what they do for fun. What makes this ritual so crazy? Well, they take the calcined bones of their dead, grind them up with this powder drug, and blow massive amounts of it into each other's nostrils. When I say massive, I mean Robert Downy Jr. on a three day binge huge. Then the boys and men start to run around all crazy-like, flailing their arms holding weapons. Then, in order to prove how batshit crazy they are, they thrust thier chests out at a friend, who then pounds on it with pretty much whatever he can come across, usually a rock. After they draw some blood, which they have no idea just fucking happened, they squat down and do a hug sort of deal, then start screaming as loud as they can in each other's ears. Then they pass out for a half an hour and dream of crazy shit. As a review, let's take a look at all the effects of Virolas Snuff. The effects are felt within minutes from the time of initial use. First there is a feeling of increasing excitability. This is followed by a numbness of the limbs, a twitching of the face, a lack of muscular coordination, nasal discharges, nausea, and, frequently, vomiting. Fun times!

Something like that, with more you.

Dhatura and Dutra - This is a particularly potent example. Dhatura has been around for ages, it is considered an old world hallucinogen, commonly used in India, China, and Africa. It's highly toxic, and many people do themselves in while trying to reinact the sacred rituals of... getting completely wasted. It is a part of the nightshade family, where do you think they got the Pokemon from?. It has ben said that the Oracle of Delphi used this plant to intoxicate people. The intoxication effects of the plant canb last for several days, garunteeing you a nice cozu spot in the padded room. Don't forget your straightjacket on your way!

This will fuck you up.

How is it used? It was commonly used as an aphrodisiacin prehistoric and the "Ole Times", even today the seeds are mixed with food or tobacco for illicit use. Theives and criminals use it to "spice up" a vitcim, leaving them a heaping pile of human idiot. You can make tea out of the leaves and seeds, or you can eat the shit right out of the plant. Note: eating it right out of the [lant is a sure fire bet that you'll have to sit ina tree for three days staight. There was a time when they extracted the main chemical responsible for all evil known to man, and roll it up in cigarettes. The concoction relived the muscles around the brachial cavity, thus providing a great method of asthma control, ta-da! Either that or you rip your eyes out and face them into the back of your skull hoping you can catch the demons sneaking up on you.

What does it do to you? You really want to know? Alright then. Regarding Datura, among the Navajo is the folk admonition, "Eat a little, and go to sleep. Eat some more, and have a dream. Eat some more, and don't wake up." That sounds great and all, but what happens in between that whole "Have a dream" part and "Don't wake up" parts? The actual effects are reported to be extreme dilation of the pupil, flushed, warm and dry skin, dry mouth, urinary retention and ileus (slowing or stopping of intestinal movement), rapid heart beat, hypertension or hypotension, and choreoathetosis/jerky movements. Wow, ouch, sounds horrible, right? In case of overdose the effects are hyperthermia, coma, respiratory arrest, and seizures. Wow, it gets worse? The vast majority of atropine-poisoning, is followed by delirium, along with visual and auditory hallucinations. Sounds like a party, if you're a complete raving lunatic. If you survive it, you'll have one hell of a time explaining what the fuck is wrong with you! If you can speak, that is.

Simulated Datura effects.

Ayahausca and Caapi - Just two of the many local named for a giant South American vine that only grows in the jungles of Brazil, Colombia, Peru, Equador and Boliva. Fuck. So watch out when you're taking a trip around those areas, a giant pink flowered plant might just grab you. Or if anyone offers you a strange liquid called "Dopa", "Natema", "Pinde" or "Yaje", then run like your sanity depends on it.

How is it used? It's made into a drink. A bitter, nauseating, horrible, randcid consensed form of insanity. Some tribes, being more than completely batshit insane on any scale, alter the mix by adding other plants to increase the potency. It makes you so batshit insane, in fact, you would honestly believe you have "telepatic abilities", although we all know, there is no scientific basis for that. Source- CIA. It's used during the Ayahausca ceremony, which entails dancing around, and acting like a raving madman for hours on end.

What does it do to you? Well, if "Nightmarish visions" isn't floating your boat, try "violent reactions with sickening after effects" (read: intense vomiting and violent evacuation of everything you have eaten, ever.) Usually you get some visual hallucinations, in vibrant color. The drug brings on a sense of reckless abandon, creating a monster on par with the hulk, except you wouldn't be hurting anyone but yourself. No one can truly describe the effects of it, it varies from person to person. Some tribes mix up such crazy combonations, it's hard to tell exactly what is effecting you. There's one thing for sure, you'd have to be completely batshit off the wall insane to even try it.

Phil? You look....Different.

ARBOL DE LOS BRUJOS (Sorcerer's Tree) - That sounds scary already! It's used by the Mapuche Indian medicine men of Valdivia (Note: avoid Valdivia.). It's know to cause delirium, hallucinations, as well as permanant batshit insanity. This is intense stuff, and only the medicine man has the complete control of it! It is a closely guarded secret how they measure the correct dosage, our best guess was after a night full of insanity and sex, he used what was left over to poison his victim. I can only assume...

-Ari Racz

The worst tv shows, that were once great movies

2008-11-24T09:58:00.004-05:00

There have been many great movies that have become great t.v. series, and some that have crashed harder than the economy. These are the ones that didn't make it to a second season, or for that matter, some of them through the first. The shows that tried to squeeze every drop of money out of a movie (kinda like our Friday nights, but without the money part) These are the shows made from movies that time forgot, the ones that were either so crappy no one cared. The ones that had so much bullshit crammed into the script, the only resemblance of the actual movie, was the title itself.

Case number one - Logan's Run

Pretty awesome movie! The show was a pile of, you know.

It aired fourteen episodes, September 16, 1977 through February 6, 1978.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjW1hHy3joQ

Is that a tattoo gun? Maybe Logan's Run was more hardcore than we thought.

In the movie, it was awesome. There was a big ass central computer buried under some mountain, and you couldn't live past the age of thirty. They had crystals embedded in their palms that changed color to tell how old you are. After it turns black, you have to go in for "willing termination", if not you're called "a runner". Pretty neat huh? They had awesome guns, it was set in 2274 (that's the future), and it had a bunch of techno-awesomeness you'd expect from 2274.

The show... Well, it took place in 2319, first of all. That is a crappy year for me, so I already hate it. In the show, no one has the crystals embedded in their palms, so they must have had a damn good census bureau or something. The guns didn't just "kill people", they had a "stun", "blast" and "kill" setting, we kind of figure "blasting" would pretty much kill things, but it's the future, so what the fuck do we know? Logan runs (haha get it, "Logan's Run") away from some city where they want to kill him, meets some android named Rem, hops in a hovercraft, and has all sorts of fun adventures with horny future chicks and robots.

Case number two - Ferris Bueller's Day Off

The movie made millions, the show made us cry.

It only aired 13 episodes. It aired for only 353 days, August 23, 1990 through August 11, 1991, that's not a good ratio, I think. I'm not a rocket scientists or anything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AtFuuaU3Wo

Who the fuck is that guy?

Great movie! A whole lot of twists and turns, suprises and a happy ending (not for the principal, though). What made it a great movie? It was the fact that all those things that Ferris and his group of renegade teenagers did, were a one time deal. How many times can you skip school, steal a car (and then total it), sing in a parade on national t.v., steal a three hundred dollar meal and get away with it all? We're betting about once.

That is why the show failed, how many times could he have stolen a car and skipped school? He would have flunked out, fast. His depressed buddy would have hung himself under the bleachers in the auditorium after the fifth episode. Ferris' girlfriend would have left him for the proverbial jock character. All these events would lead to a strung-out Ferris Bueller sleeping in gutters and whoring himself out for a few quick bucks to get his fix.

The bottom line is, "Bueller.... Bueller.... Bueller..." We would have to hear that for 13 episodes? Seriously, that's too much, even for Ben Stein.

-Ari Racz

Enjoy! And COMMENT!!!

That was a War?!

2008-11-11T08:09:00.006-05:00

Throughout human history, we as a race have become skilled in many different abilities. Perhaps the one we excel the most, would have to be all out war. So after a spirited game of Risk in the Cracked staff room (all in all it lasted one hour and twenty eight minutes, a flipped board, and dozens of little plastic wartime heros strewn across the floor, and one really pissed off intern) We decided to research the most laughable excuses for war that have ever happened. So short, one sided, and flat out idiotic, they aren't even in any textbooks. Sure, you may have heard of The Bay Of Pigs, a little conflict we have come to know as "Vietnam", and then there's Operation Desert Storm, which was more like "Operation practice kicking ass for a few years in Iraq" (which isn't going as well as we planned).

So here they are, for you to ponder, laugh at, and just think long and hard about the question, "Why the fuck did they even bother?"

#10

The Falklands War

How long did it last? 42 days.

Who was fighting? Argentina vs. The British Empire

Who won? The British Empire

So why were they fighting?

Argentina got tired of the British occupying their land, and invaded South Georgia on March 19th, 1982. The names and the ownership of the territories had been much disputed beforehand, we're going to go out on a limb and say that "The South Sandwich Islands" was the main on that ticked them off here.

So Argentina invaded and moved onto the Falkland islands, and then the British Royal Air Force stepped up, assuming Argentina had no clue what they were getting themselves into, there was a big fight. All in all, Argentina surrendered on July 14th. Of course, neither country claimed that it was an actual war, this was the point in time where the British Empire was very polite and dignified, and didn't want to rub it in any further, and Argentine was most likely too ashamed that they tried to pull a stunt like that.

Outcome? The British Empire took everything back, and kept all the stuff the Argentinians ran away from.

The Polish-Lithuanian War

How long did it last? A whole 37 days.

Who was fighting? Pretty obvious - Poland vs. Lithuania

Who won? Believe it or not, Poland

Why did they fight?

The war started not long after these two pseudo-superpowers gained their independence. It all began over the disputed cities of Vilhius, Suwalki, and Augustow. Poland claimed they had won, and with their fingers crossed, signed an agreement to stop hostilities. They promptly sent Lithuania a message along the lines of, "Hey, Lithuania, it's Poland... Fuck you." Poland then setup the puppet state of "The Republic of Central Lithuania", in a blatant attempt to confuse the Lithuanians. It was centered around the historic capitol of Lithuania, "Grand Duchy", we swear we didn't make that up. The muppet state was short lived, gained no international recognition, due to the fact that everyone isn't completely idiotic and all. Both Poland and Lithuania claimed the area to be their own, yet it was annexed to Poland after Poland's general elections. Lithuania was pissed, here at Cracked, we'd like to think the elections went something like this:

"Hey, Poland."

"Yeah, Poland?"

"What's up with that Second Republic of Lithuania?"

"Why don't we just call it Poland"

"Sweet, Poland. Sweet."

The elections were not officially recognized by Lithuania... No, shit?

The Second Balkan War

How long did it last? 32 days.

Who was fighting? Bulgaria vs. Greece, Serbia, Montenegro, Romania, and The entire fucking Ottoman Empire

Who won? Everyone, except Bulgaria

So why did they try in the first place?

It all started in 1913, Bulgaria in one corner, with most of the world in the other. When the bell rang Romania and the Ottoman Empire had stuffed a few anvils into the gloves that we have come to know as "Greece" and "Serbia". The whole conflict made Serbia a pretty badass fighter, like one of those UFC guys with no teeth, and scared the shit out of Austro-Hungary, which also helped kick off WWII. Way to go, Bulgaria. (WWII was much, much longer.) Romania invaded Bulgaria on June 27th, and again on July 10th. Romania took control over the undefended Southern Dobruja, and promptly hauled ass through to Northern Bulgaria, making a few stops on the way to Sofia. At this point, the Ottoman Empire snuck up and claimed some of Bulgaria's former possessions. Bulgaria pissed itself on July 23rd, and ran away from Andrianople, without firing a single damned shot. Much of the territory that wa won to Bulgarian in the first Balkan war, was lost again, and 10 months later, WWII started up. The Second Balkan War was just practice.?

The Greco-Turkish War

How long did it last? 30 days.

Who was fighting? Greece vs. The Ottoman Empire

Who won? The Ottoman Empire

Why were they fighting?

It was Greece, all the way. Greece was "concerned" about their citizens living in Crete, as they were still playing by the Ottoman's rules there. the War took place in 1897, on January 21st the Greeks, feeling all cocky, and we're assuming greasy and sexy, landed on Crete. It only took a few weeks for the Ottoman Empire to stomp the living hell out of the Greek invaders. Look at the size difference, that's like Hawaii rebelling in an attempt to secede from the rest of the U.S. The Greek action really pissed off most of Europe, who gave the Ottoman Empire the green light to dominate the Greeks. It was mostly the whole goat cheese thing, but partly because they invaded, or whatever. In the end of it all, Greece had lost every inch of land they gained, and had to pay a fuckload of fines to the Ottoman Empire. The moral? Do not fuck with the Ottoman Empire.

The Sino-Vietnamese War

How long did it last? 27 Days.

Who was fighting? China vs. Vietnam

Who won? They both said they won(Is it us, or is Vietnam a sore loser?)

Why were they fighting?

Vietnam had its eye on that sexy, sexy track of land called Cambodia, so they decided to take that junk. They invaded, occupied it, and promptly mooned China. This really, really pissed China off. On February 15, 1979 The People's Republic of China decided to throw on some gloves and go toe-to-toe with Vietnam. So what happened then, you ask? China marched right up in there, and marched right back out after marching all over Vietnamese soldiers. Then they enacted a scorched earth policy, and burned or bombed anything and everything that might have been of any kind of use to the Vietnamese. Oh, then they left Pol Pot in charge of Cambodia. Real fucking nice, Vietnam.

The Georgian-Armenian War

How long did it last? 24 days.

Who was fighting? Georgia vs. Armenia

Who won? Neither, they just had better shit to do.

So why were they fighting?

Both countries wanted the same territories. Seeing a pattern here? The areas they were fighting over had traditionally been bicultural, so they swing both ways, but don't like to share. It was mostly full of Armenians in the early 19th century, and Georgia wasn't havin' that. After WWI some of the territories were controlled by the Ottoman Empire, and when they got bored of them the real fighting started. On December 7th, 1918 Georgia and Armenia went from name calling and leaving bags of flaming poo on each other's front porch, to what we're assuming was the equivalent to a modern day slap fight. It went back and forth for a week or two at a time, then the British Empire (yeah, those guys again) being the nosey, er, "civil minded" nation that they were, stepped in. Then even the British Empire got bored, so they made both sides sign a cease-fire on December 31st. While Britian had a nice firm hold on their ears, they forced them to form the Georgian-Armenian Joint Administration. G.A.J.A. Really? Rolls right off the tongue, right? That administration lasted until 1920, when Russia bought a timeshare somewhere in Armenia, everyone else sort of backed away very slowly.

The Serbo-Bulgarian War

How long did it last? 14 Days.

Who was fighting? The Kingdom of Serbia vs. The Kingdom of Bulgaria

Who won? Bulgaria

So why were they fighting?

They just didn't like each other that much. On November 14th, 1885 Serbia and Bulgaria went at it like a pack of rabid wolves in heat. As a result of the war, the European powers that be recognized the Act of Unification of Bulgaria, which happened on September 6th, 1885. On November 28th, the Viennese ambassador in Belgrade, Count Kevenhueller-Metsch (yeah, we stopped trying to pronounce that a long time ago) visited the headquarters of the Bulgarian Army, and demanded the ceasing of all military action. How did he accomplish such a brass balls move? Easy, he had the entire Austro-Hungarian army standing behind him. The war however, did make everyone piss their pants if anyone mentioned fighting Bulgaria. So that's a good thing, We guess.

The Indo-Pakistani War

How long did it last? 13 Days.

Who was fighting? India vs. Pakistan

Who won? Uh, Bangladesh.... So, India?

Why were they fighting?

It all started out as a major dispute between the East Pakistanis and the West pakistanis. The Eastern Pakistani's had the majority of people, where as the Western Pakistani's must have had some wonder-twin rings, or some shit, so they were more powerful. The war started after the 1970 Pakistani election, it was because the voted to not have Bangladesh Liberated. For some reason, which our 21st century war-mongering selves cannot even fully comprehend, India got ticked off too, and aided in the fighting. The war started on December 16th, 1971, and raged until the 16th (we're assuming they played a hardcore game of monopoly or some shit during that time)

The 6 Day War

How long did it last? ... 6 fucking days, obviously.

Who was fighting? Israel vs. Egypt, Syria, Jordan, and Iraq

Who won? Israel... No shit? Really? Nice.

Why were they fighting?

It's Israel, they don't even need a fucking reason. It all started when Israel talked some shit to Syria, then Egypt got all pissy about it. So Egypt went ahead and amassed 1,000 tanks and 100,000 troops on the border of the Sinai Peninsula, not that we know where that is, or care to. Egypt went ahead and closed the waterways to anything that was flying the Israeli flag. Naturally this pissed off Israel, who concurrently place a jihad on anyone who got in their way. On June 5, 1967 Israel proceeded to deliver the largest bitch slap in the history of mankind. And in only 6 days they increased their total land by nearly three times, and gained more then a million citizens. Of course, these citizens were just pissed off arabs, but they still kinda count... They didn't even bother with "Negotiations" they just wanted to take that shit.

And that brings us to

The Anglo-Zanzibar War

Now, I bet you're thinking to yourself "How short does a war have to be to make it to number fucking one?"

less than 45 minutes, to be exact.

Who was fighting? Zanzibar vs. The British Empire

Who won? Not Zanzibar

Why were they fighting?

It wasn't so much a fight, as a complete destruction of morality, more like you beating a one eye llama in a game of pong. In 1896 the current sultan of Zanzibar, which whom the British were pleased to do business with, died. His successor? His nephew, Khalid Bin Bargash. The British Empire was not pleased. This new sultan loved slaves! Couldn't get enough of them! The British Empire was attempting to stop slave trade in the area. So what happened next? In the morning of August 27th, 1896, the British Empire issued an ultimatum to the sultan "Get the fuck out, or we will make you." The sultan wasn't having it, and replied with a highly formal "Suck my balls, Britain." And then fortified a palace. The British Empire shrugged, and set up shop in the bay right in front of the palace. Then the sultan backed off, but it was too late. And The British Empire started to shell the palace, for about 45 minutes. At this point, the sultan shat himself a few times, and ran away. Then in a balls out awesome move, the British Empire charged Zanzibar for every shot they fired. Oh, The British empire also landed some troops on the shore, just to play volleyball though.

-Ari Racz

I was reading the other day about someone suing Oprah for extortion...

2008-11-04T11:44:00.009-05:00

So I decided I'd go and look up a few "tricky" people and see what I can find!

In 1991, Richard Overton sued Anheuser-Busch for false and misleading advertising under Michigan State law. The complaint specifically referenced ads involving, among other things, fantasies of beautiful women in tropical settings that came to life for two men driving a Bud Light truck. He also included one claim that appears to allege that he personally suffered injuries as a result of the false advertisements. I think he just ran after the beer truck for a mile and scraped his knee or something. A number of publications and websites parodied this lawsuit by focusing only on the third claim for relief and ignoring Mr. Overton's civic minded efforts to prevent Bud Light from making false or misleading claims in its advertisements. That happens to me all the time, I just don't sue over it. I just thought it happened to everyone. While it does appear that the third claim for relief is based on alleged injuries (including "personal injury to his health both physical and mental, emotional distress, and financial loss in excess of $10,000") that guy can really drink a lot, suffered by Mr. Overton in as a result of Anheuser-Busch's alleged false advertising, that is only one of three claims made in the complaint. That's a bit over the top, even for a drunkard with a horrible idea.

We all know that when you open a beer, you do not attract supermodels. That happens when you open your bank account.

In 1995, Robert Lee Brock sued himself for $5 million. He claimed that he had violated his own civil rights and religious beliefs by allowing himself to get drunk and commit crimes which landed him in the Indian Creek Correctional Center in Virginia, serving a 23 year sentence for grand larceny and breaking and entering. What could he possibly have to gain by suing himself? Since being in prison prevented him from having an income, he expected the state to pay. This case was thrown out.

Well, now that plan is out the window, We should aim for this one...

On a $5 dare from friends, 13-year-old Justin Porter climbed 35 feet up an electric transmission tower. Who was to know such an adventure might prove dangerous? 19,700 volts later, his mother, Anna Thebeau, is suing the electric utility, Ameren, saying it should have fenced off the tower against trespassers, should have posted a big warning sign on it, should have designed it so that it could not be climbed up, and should have insulated the wires far overhead. Because it's unlikely that anyone, anyone, would be so stupid as to not see a "Danger High Voltage" sign no matter what the size...

At least he made $5 off the whole deal.

-Ari Racz